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I Bleed the Colors of Red-Hued Sports Teams
December 15th, 2007

I’m a diehard fan of every sports team that wears red. So much so that I bleed their colors. Some people think I’m crazy when I say that, but it’s true.

Initially, I wasn’t like this. When I first started watching sports at the age of four, I was partial to the Philadelphia Eagles and New York Yankees. Then one day, I tripped and fell on the sidewalk like the little shit that I was, cutting open my knee. As I sat there in pain, watching the warm red blood run down my leg, I knew right then and there that I was destined to be a Red Sox, Red Wings, Redskins, Reds, Phillies, Cardinals, and Soviet Union fan.

With the colors of red-hued sports teams surging through my veins, I cheer wildly for them at every opportunity. I’m a true fan, sticking with my red teams through thick and thin, unless they change their uniform colors, at which point they become a franchise suitable only for pathetic losers.


For a good decade, the Buffalo Sabres were awesome, but now they suck again.

Many emos are even bigger red team fans than I am. Whenever their favorite red team suffers a devastating loss, not only do they get very upset about it, they cut themselves with sharp objects in a touching display of fan support for their team. Emo means emotional for a reason.

Emos are bigger sports fans than you may have thought.

Some people bleed for red teams so much that it kills them. Is it any coincidence that my great-grandfather was a diehard Red Sox fan and died hard of internal bleeding? The doctors said he had ruptured an organ, but that was clearly a case of quacks making up a bunch of bullshit.

A stupid Nashville Predators fan once tried to tell me that he actually bleeds blue, because his body contains deoxygenated blood, which is blue. I explained to him that deoxygenated blood is actually a dark red/purple and that furthermore, only red, oxygenated blood is ever actually bled. That guy was a total moron, but what can one expect from a Predators fan?

No one bleeds blue, not even Tommy Lasorda. I assaulted him once, just to be sure.