I Bleed the Colors of Red-Hued Sports Teams

By Tim Lovett, GoldenLiterature.com

I’m a diehard fan of every sports team that wears red. So much so that I bleed their colors. Some people think I’m crazy when I say that, but it’s true.

Initially, I wasn’t like this. When I first started watching sports at the age of four, I was partial to the Philadelphia Eagles and New York Yankees. Then one day, I tripped and fell on the sidewalk like the little shit that I was, cutting open my knee. As I sat there in pain, watching the warm red blood run down my leg, I knew right then and there that I was destined to be a Red Sox, Red Wings, Redskins, Reds, Phillies, Cardinals, and Soviet Union fan.

With the colors of red-hued sports teams surging through my veins, I cheer wildly for them at every opportunity. I’m a true fan, sticking with my red teams through thick and thin, unless they change their uniform colors, at which point they become a franchise suitable only for pathetic losers.

For a good decade, the Buffalo Sabres were awesome, but now they suck again.

Many emos are even bigger red team fans than I am. Whenever their favorite red team suffers a devastating loss, not only do they get very upset about it, they cut themselves with sharp objects in a touching display of fan support for their team. Emo means emotional for a reason.

Emos are bigger sports fans than you may have thought.

Some people bleed for red teams so much that it kills them. Is it any coincidence that my great-grandfather was a diehard Red Sox fan and died hard of internal bleeding? The doctors said he had ruptured an organ, but that was clearly a case of quacks making up a bunch of bullshit.

A stupid Nashville Predators fan once tried to tell me that he actually bleeds blue, because his body contains deoxygenated blood, which is blue. I explained to him that deoxygenated blood is actually a dark red/purple and that furthermore, only red, oxygenated blood is ever actually bled. That guy was a total moron, but what can one expect from a Predators fan?

No one bleeds blue, not even Tommy Lasorda. I assaulted him once, just to be sure.

Tommy Lasorda does not bleed Dodger Blue. Fucking lying sack of shit.

Fans of any red team should hold their heads high. We are quite literally the best and most devoted fans in the world.