Bullshit Internship Opportunity
Are you a young, passionate aspiring writer eager to get published and gain real world experience? If so, we would love to exploit you!
We’re currently looking for a bitch, or person if you prefer, to intern as an assistant writer and editor. The ideal candidate for this position is an attractive, smart, and ambitious, but mainly attractive female between the ages of 18 and 25, although we’re willing to hire a male if necessary. Being a college student who has already been scared into believing internships are necessary for future success is also a plus.
This is an unpaid internship, which means we can’t pay you, but what we can do is arrogantly demand nothing less than professional quality work. In return, we’ll spout a bunch of bullshit about the value of this experience you are getting and act like we’re doing you a favor. Who knows, maybe one day you could rise to the exalted rank of guy who writes condescending intern want ads.
Since we only recruit the best, our intern will be expected to do the following:
* Generate outstanding content for GoldenLiterature.com.
* Edit any articles and stories written by staff.
* Produce artwork and photos of unparalleled quality.
* Devise and implement a sophisticated defense network to protect Goldenliterature.com from terrorism, both domestic and international.
* Smile as the owner reaps the benefits of your hard work.
* Lend staff beer money as needed.
* Pick winners for football pools and maintain a winning percentage of .650 or higher.
* Perform the impossible on demand in a fast-paced environment.
* Excellent social and organizational skills are a MUST!
* Not being ugly is a MUST!
* Proficiency in Microsoft Excel, though you will never use it, is a MUST!
* Being funny and entertaining is preferred, but not required.
Our hours are generally flexible, but you will be required to work doubles on weekends and holidays, as well as work all three shifts on your birthday.
Think you are worthy enough to join us? Send your resume and cover letter to:
Jessica DeMarco – Director of Human Resources
Please, no phone calls about this job.
Please, no fat chicks.