How to be a Ghetto Cashier
July 23rd, 2007
Living the ghetto lifestyle and holding a steady job can be difficult as the two are often incompatible. Whereas working involves making yourself useful, the ghetto lifestyle is more geared toward being a complete waste of life. However, we all have financial needs and can't collect unemployment forever, so Golden Literature is here to help with this handy guide. I will focus on the most ghetto-compatible occupation: cashier. By following these simple rules listed below, you will be able to earn a paycheck AND be the scorn of everyone you interact with.
1.) Maintain a Sloppy Appearance
Despite slaving away at your mind-numbing job to make others rich, as long as you wear excessively baggy pants and an untucked shirt, you’re still sticking it to the man! But that’s not enough by itself, you must also…
2.) Maintain a Scary Appearance
Basically, you need to look like a potential murderer or at least someone who can commit some quality assault and battery. As long as your customers remain fairly certain that they will survive their encounter with you in good health, you are not a true ghetto cashier.
3.) Grow Long Nails (Females Only)
By having nails that are at least a half-inch long, it will be difficult to hit any of the buttons on the cash register. This is important because without those nails, not only would you become far more efficient at your job, but your hands might look nice and well-kept, which is unacceptable.
4.) Abandon Your Station
A cash register is only as useful as the person behind it, which is exactly why you should frequently not be there at all. Besides, you have a million other important things to do and none of them involve customer service. Ok, well, only two other things to do - smoke and bullshit, but still, they’re pretty important. Then, when you finally get to the register…
5.) Take All Fucking Day to Complete a Transaction
Your job requires “standing” on your feet for hours on end (more like leaning lazily against the counter), so why not have your customers do it also?
Taking a lesson from Principal Skinner of “The Simpsons”, you can make a game out of it. See how many sighs and eye-daggers you can generate in one hour and then try to break that record.
In situations where there is more than one cashier station open, a slightly more complex strategy is required. For a few minutes you should work quickly enough so that customers in other lines switch to yours. Then, immediately return to your snail’s pace. Take it from me, there is no satisfaction quite like punishing people who try to get ahead in life.
6.) Always Ask Customers if they have Change
Did you know that giving a customer change is a grueling process that can take upwards of six seconds to complete? Fuck that.
Therefore, whenever the change portion of a balance is 15 cents or less (e.g. $2.14, $10.08) and the customer gives you cash rounded up to the next dollar, be sure to ask him "You ain't got change?" in the bitchiest tone possible, because it's very likely you live in a fantasy world where the customer is either too stupid to realize he has change or intentionally has not given you any because he wants to put you through the inconvenience of gathering 85 cents (see pics below).
7.) Never Say Thank You
Since you're a miserable asshole, it is your duty to leave that impression on everyone you interact with. Besides, as far as you’re concerned, they’re lucky you don’t punch them in the mouth to begin with.
8.) Quit After about 3 Months without Notice
Although nobody will be surprised that you quit so soon, this shouldn't discourage you from doing it in the most fucked up way possible. Remember, nothing says, “I’m a low-class douchebag” quite like just not showing up to work one day and totally fucking over your former co-workers by forcing them to pick up your slack.
9.) Get Another Cashier Job Somewhere Else
Easy to do since cashier turnover is high.
10.) Repeat steps 1-9 until you either hit the lottery, marry rich, win a lawsuit, or die.
Most likely die.
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