How does Shannon Sharpe Know What Everyone Says?
March 30th, 2007

It’s a spectacle unlike any other. Whenever CBS broadcaster Shannon Sharpe gives highlights for a football game, he does so with the uncanny ability to tell viewers precisely what the players, and sometimes the coaches, said during the game-breaking plays.

Here’s a typical Shannon Sharpe breakdown of a hypothetical game between the Denver Broncos and San Diego Chargers:

James Brown: Ok, our next game is the Broncos and Chargers, break it down for us Shannon.

Shannon Sharpe: All right J.B. Here we have Ladanian Tomlinson getting the handoff and he says, “I’m gonna run this ball 54 yards for a touchdown,” and he does so that makes it 7-0 San Diego. Later on we have Jake Plummer sayin’, “I’m gonna throw this ball in the endzone for a touchdown,” and that ties the game. This game gets decided late in the fourth quarter when Philip Rivers says, “I’m also gonna throw a touchdown pass,” but Broncos defensive back Champ Bailey says, “I’m gonna intercept this ball and run it all the way back instead,” and that’s why the Broncos won this game J.B.

James Brown: Uh….thank you Shannon. Anything you want to add to that Boomer?

Boomer Esiason: No.

Isn’t that great? He brings viewers the voices of the game in a way that “Mic’d Up” never could. However, considering that he is not on the field with any of these players, my only question is, how does he do it? Does he have hidden microphones all over every football field? Does he employ a legion of journalists to interview every important player of every game about what they said?

Furthermore, I’m fascinated that NFL players actually say what their intentions are as they run their plays, and that they often do it with such clarity. I love how a guy like LaDanian Tomlinson will make sure to accurately declare that he is running 54 yards for a score, not 52, 53, or 53 and inches.

I hereby declare that Shannon Sharpe should be hired to do all highlights for every sport. That way fans could finally know what all of their favorite athletes were saying during the game. I can see it now:

Shannon's Hockey Highlights: For this matchup between the Avalanche and Red Wings, it came down to the final round of the shootout where Dominik Hasek said, “You’re not gonna score on me,” but Joe Sakic said, “Yes I am,” and he did, giving Colorado the victory.

Also tonight, we had the Rangers-Capitals game where you can see Jaromir Jagr skating down the ice until Donald Brashear says, “I’m gonna crosscheck you in the mouth,” and that would lead to a New York powerplay goal. Down by one at the end, the Capitals coach says, "I better pull my goalie," so Washington brings out the extra attacker, but fail to tie it up and they lose.

Shannon's Baseball Highlights: Ok, here we go, Giants vs. Dodgers. Bottom of the 9th, Giants down by 1, Barry Bonds is at bat and he says, "I got some fresh chemicals in my butt so I'm ready to jack me a 530 ft. home run," but the pitcher says, "That's ok, I'll just walk you instead." That would lead to the next batter grounding into a double play and the Dodgers steal a victory.

Shannon's NASCAR Highlights: At the Talladega 500, Tony Stewart says, “My car is out of control and caused a 20-car accident,” meanwhile Jeff Gordon says, “I’m gonna drive the fastest,” and that landed him in Victory Lane.

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Just for fun, let's also have him analyze pornography:

Shannon's Porno Review/Highlights: This week, I review "Anal Fun 7", let's roll the footage. Ok, here we have Ron Jeremy with his lady friend and he says, "Girl, I'm gonna take off my pants, whip out my dick, and fuck you in the vagina and asshole, while gently caressing your titties," and that's why that girl has a violent orgasm. J.B., I can personally say that this film got me very hard and very aroused in a matter of minutes. I recommend that everyone watching check out this film.

James Brown: How the fuck did you talk me into co-hosting this with you?

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