Family Power Rankings
(as of January 1, 2009)
|
|
RANK
|
PERSON
|
TREND
|
COMMENT
|
|
1
|
Uncle Richard
|
-
|
His 36 year streak as wealthiest member of the family is alive and well. Rumor has it, I'm in his will.
|
|
2
|
Me
|
-
|
He's got youth, personality, and a full-time job. Most of the family just doesn't measure up to that. All I need now is some money and that top spot is mine.
|
|
3
|
Uncle Larry
|
|
Really helped me out last month. Whenever I need a favor, he comes through in the clutch.
|
|
4
|
My Dog
|
|
Shit on the carpet last Friday. Not cool.
|
|
5
|
Dad 
|
|
A great person overall, but his sub-par Christmas presents make us wonder if he's serious about competing for the top spot.
|
|
6
|
Aunt Mary
|
|
Did an awesome derogatory impression of Aunt Harriet at last week's party. I'm still laughing thinking about it.
|
|
7
|
Grandpa Fred
|
|
Do yourself a favor and listen to this guy rant against society while drunk sometime. It's a fun experience you won't regret.
|
|
8
|
Mom
|
|
Invited me over for a nice dinner the other day. Could have done without all that irritating conversation, though.
|
|
9
|
Aunt Diana
|
|
When I stopped by her house last month, she wore a shirt exposing her wrinkly cleavage. It gave me a terrible nightmare. For a week.
|
|
10
|
Great-Grandma Helen
|
-
|
At 90 years old, still being on the family active roster is an accomplishment in itself.
|
|
11
|
Cousin Stan
|
|
Total asshole. Inexplicably high computer rankings.
|
|
12
|
Cousin Andrew
|
|
Great guy. Horrible computer rankings.
|
|
13
|
Cousin Beth
|
|
Finally dumped that dickhead boyfriend she kept making me talk to and insisting I would get along great with. Now if she would just stop crying over the break up, she could be a top 10 player again.
|
|
14
|
Cousin Brian
|
|
Showed me his Yu-Gi-Oh card collection. I was underwhelmed and, for a moment, secretly ashamed to be related to him.
|
|
15
|
Cousin Howard
|
-
|
Lives in California and has been rarely seen or heard from over the last 5 years. On the positive side, he hasn't bothered be in 5 years. Fair enough.
|
|
16
|
Grandma Judy 
|
|
We don't know what's more frustrating: her mediocre life or the fact that she seems satisfied with that.
|
|
17
|
Aunt Betty
|
|
"Look at me! Look at me! I'm pregnant! I'm pregnant!" Enough already, it's not that big of a deal. Congratulations on your successful intercourse.
|
|
18
|
Uncle William
|
|
This is a franchise in transition. After 21 years as a police officer, he quit the force and opened up his own business. The jury is still out on whether this was a good idea. |
|
19
|
Aunt Claire
|
-
|
Enrolling in a painting class, no matter how impressive she makes it sound, does nothing to improve her social status.
|
|
20
|
Grandma Anne
|
|
Insists her home-made chocalate chip cookies are the best in the world. Personally, I'll take factory-made Chips Ahoy over her baked abominations any day of the week.
|
|
21
|
Uncle Clyde
|
|
Clyde's social-climbing strategy was to earn a Ph.D in chemistry. Pity that all those years of schooling never taught him how to be the least bit interesting or amusing. This is about as high as he can ever get in the rankings.
|
|
22
|
Cousin Drake
|
|
Disrespectful little shit that won't listen to anyone and needs to be beaten. |
|
23
|
Aunt Gina
|
|
Asshole parent who won't beat her 22nd-ranked son and get his ass in gear. |
|
24
|
Cousin Randy
|
|
Recently got out of rehab and swears his heroin days are now behind him. Could this be the beginning of a successful rebuilding process? Only time will tell. |
|
25
|
Grandpa John
|
|
The definition of disappointment. He's been around forever and hasn't accomplished a damn thing.
|
|
26
|
Patches
|
|
I keep trying to like my Grandmother's cat, but it just ain't happening.
|
|
27
|
Aunt Harriet
|
|
The annoying wife of top-ranked Uncle Richard, she continues to be a stuck-up, social-climbing bitch.
|
|
28
|
Baby Marilyn
|
|
We welcome this expansion franchise to the family. However, she must start at the bottom like everyone else.
|
|
29
|
Uncle Barry
|
|
Still doing hard time in prison for armed robbery.
|
|
30
|
Brother Jake 
|
|
This is my brother. He sucks.
|
