A Tribute to the Laborers who don't get to Enjoy Labor Day
August 29, 2008

Labor Day should be our most important and sacred holiday. It’s the one day out of the year where we honor the common working stooges, who sacrifice 40+ hours of their lives every week so that society can function. These are the real American heroes. Sadly, not everyone in the workforce gets to enjoy this holiest of days. Let’s take a moment to recognize this unlucky bunch, specifically, several groups:

* Waiters and other Restaurant Staff

Every Labor Day, hundreds of thousands of nitwits go out to eat at a restaurant instead of just having a barbeque in someone’s backyard like normal people. Restaurant owners use this as an opportunity to make a fortune.

The entire setup makes a mockery of the holiday. Many of the customers tend to consist of white-collar workers who never perform strenuous physical labor, yet have the day off anyhow. While these people sit back and take it easy, the restaurant staff run themselves ragged with yet another 8 hour shift on their feet. Sure some may earn good money in tips by the end of the day, but is it worth it? Most would say no.

In fact, it’s not uncommon for greedy restaurant owners to bully their employees into working on Labor Day by threatening to cut back the hours or even fire those who dare try to take off or call out sick. A holiday to celebrate labor, indeed.

If this isn't where your meal comes from on Labor Day, you suck.

And being a vegetarian is no excuse, either. Throw some fucking lettuce on the grill.

* Police Officers

They say that crime doesn’t take a vacation. Well it should on Labor Day.

Dude, it's Labor Day. Take a day off from being a scumbag and leave the liquor store alone. You can rob it tomorrow.

But at the same time, traffic cops on duty in tourist locales need to leave the vacationers alone. If the hardworking Average Joe wants to spend his holiday driving at 85 mph on the highway, then dammit, let him go. You still have the rest of the year to bust peoples’ balls.

* Health Care Professionals

No, I’m not talking about just doctors and surgeons. This goes out to all the nurses’ aides and group home residential counselors who get stuck working their stressful, low-paying job while seemingly all of their friends are off and having a good time.

Why do patients have to be cared for on Labor Day? Can’t they all just take care of themselves for one measly twenty-four hour period? Anything else is just downright selfish of them.


* Retail Employees

I can’t help but feel a bit annoyed when stores advertise “special” Labor Day sales instead of just closing so that their employees can have a nice holiday off.

It can be difficult to stand behind a cash register while other people enjoy themselves. Once again, it’s Labor Day, one of the last opportunities for people to get out and enjoy the summer, so what the fuck are they doing at a mall? God bless those who have the patience spend hours behind a cash register on this day to serve those who have too much time and money on their hands.

"Duur, look at me, I want to buy stuff, duur!" Go do something outside, bitch.

* Convenience Store Employees

Yes, I know it’s a holiday, but, oh my goodness, it’s 4 A.M. and I totally need a half-gallon of milk. Thanks for being there for me.

* Anyone who I didn’t Mention

Sorry, but I can’t give a shout out to every group or person that has to work on Labor Day. However, I can do the next best thing: bitch and moan about consumers in general who make it necessary for countless people to be deprived of their day off.

You all suck. God forbid you should have to go one day without goods and services.

On behalf of those stuck working, I promise to drink an extra beer and be extra lazy, just for you. Anyone reading this is encouraged to do the same.

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