10 Golden Job Interview Tips
February 5th, 2008
People complain far too much about how difficult and stressful job interviews are. I find them to be quite easy and even fun, but then again, I already know all these golden job interview tips. By using these techniques, I have received a job offer after every interview I have ever attended. They are simply too good to keep to myself, so now I happily share them with you, my fellow man.
1.) Don’t Practice the Interview Beforehand
Going into the interview 100% prepared will make for a boring experience. The entire process will be much more lively and exciting if you rely solely on your instincts and just “wing it”. Flying by the seat of one's pants is the strategy enacted by most of our greatest superheroes and everything always turns out just fine for them.
2.) Dress Casually
No one wants to hire some uptight dork in a black or navy blue suit. Neat appearances have become a cliché in corporate America that is now frowned upon. I recommend sweatpants. Besides, dress apparel is expensive. If you had that kind of money on you, you wouldn’t be out looking for a job anyway, duh.
3.) Arrive Late
By showing up late, the interviewer will be given the impression that you are a popular person whose time is highly desired. This will give you an advantage over any competing applicants who may have made the mistake of showing up early. It’s just like the Gospel says, “So the last shall be first, and the first last.” You wouldn’t call Jesus a liar, would you?
4.) Express a Negative, Cynical Attitude
Managers are always impressed when applicants show a disdainful nature towards society and those who live in it. People who are cheerful and easy going are very easily duped into believing anything, whereas skepticism implies the ability to think critically and independently. Besides, if you smile at everyone you see, that smile loses its value. Think about it, whenever you smile, don’t you want it to actually mean something?
5.) Never Make Eye Contact
When you look someone directly in the eyes, it’s very annoying. An eye stare gone wrong could have the interviewer thinking that you’re some kind of serial rapist, and who could blame them? Wandering eyes, on the other hand, show that you are very aware of your environment and always on the lookout for something that is actually interesting.
6.) Arrogance is your Friend
According to research, at least eight out of ten job applicants are more intelligent than the person who is interviewing them. If the opportunity arises, share some pieces of your wisdom in a sarcastic and condescending manner. Don’t forget to laugh at your own wit afterwards. This way, the interviewer will know full well how smart you are and will be aching to hire you.
7.) Don’t Ask Questions about the Company
Asking questions just wastes everyone’s time. Getting the interview to be over as soon as possible so you can do something more worthy of your time should always be a top priority. Also, by keeping your mouth shut, you will save more of the interviewer’s time and he or she will like you all the more for it. Managers and interviewers are just like you in that they also have laziness they want to get back to.
8.) Do Ask Relentlessly about Salary
This is the one and only thing you should ask about. Going into an interview, you should always have the attitude that you are a mercenary who is only willing to work for the highest bidder. If you feel it’s necessary, don’t hesitate to stubbornly haggle for a better deal.
9.) When Asked about your Weaknesses, Answer Honestly
The more weaknesses you have, the less work you will have to do once you get hired.
10.) For Christ’s Sake, No “Thank You” Cards
You already thanked the interviewer for considering you before you left the interview, so there’s no need to be so redundant about it. Besides, any manager with half a brain should know that you are just brownnosing, and unless that manager has a fetish for noses up the ass, it won’t help your case for employment.
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