How to Get Over Yourself:
A 12-Step Program

April 18th, 2008

Homer Simpson once claimed that if something takes twelve steps, it isn’t worth doing. But in this case, I think we can make a major exception.

Just about everyone has dealt with a person who desperately needs to be brought back down to earth. Whether it’s a boss at work, a college professor, or an airhead girl with a nice rack, chances are, you know at least one person who goes above and beyond what is known as an egotistical and arrogant bastard. Do them a favor and introduce them to this quick and effective program and they will be on their way to becoming a better and humbler person.

Step 1: If your life story were a book, most would use it to help themselves fall asleep. If you’re lucky, some might use it as a coaster for their drink.

Step 2: Your education and salary mean nothing, mainly because, when it comes to personality, you’re stupid and poor.

Step 3: Oh, you’re from [insert homeland]? How uninteresting…

Step 4: Your friend or relative may be a big shot somewhere, but to us, he’s just another face in the crowd, and an ugly one at that.

Step 5: No matter how good your physical appearance, not only will it soon fade away, but we’ve all seen better.

Step 6: Most of the world disagrees with your taste in everything, and with good reason.

Step 7: You know that constructive hobby you engage in? There’s someone who’s better at it. Way better. In fact, you suck compared to them.

Step 8: Every emotion you’ve ever felt has been felt countless times before. You’re not unique. You’re cliché.

Step 9: Just because you do or have done something doesn’t mean we have to care, and we don’t.

Step 10: Let’s see how great you are in 100 years (Hint: You’ll be dead and forgotten). Ha, ha, you’re going to die someday.

Step 11: Speaking of death, if someone really wanted to, they could kill you in the blink of an eye. You’d be laying there thinking, “Damn, I sure got murdered to death.” Then your legacy as an asshole will be sealed.

Step 12: It’s still not too late to change. Why not start right now?

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- 4.18.2008

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