Future, Past, Present
March 15th, 2007 by Tim Lovett
So here I am zooming down the highway at 85 mph. It's a fast speed to be sure, but I could be going much faster if I wanted to. But this isn't about speed, it's all about cruising. I drive fast enough to pass all the other cars, yet slow enough that I need not focus all of my energy on the road.
If you think I'm being unsafe by not focusing entirely on the road, go to hell. My mind has far more important things to deal with than road safety. That's actually the purpose of my drive. I have no destination, I just need to clear my head.
Sometimes, as I fly down the road, I'm overwhelmed with thoughts about the future. With every passing mile, more questions pour into my head:
"Who am I?"
"Where am I going?"
"Have I been doing the things I'm supposed to be doing?"
"What will I become?"
"When will I finally find the love of my life?"
"Will everything be ok in the long run?"
The answer I most commonly come up with is the one I hate the most- "I don't know".
Soon after this ordeal, my mind becomes tormented by reflections of the past. It's fascinating how the sounds of my humming engine can retrieve the most random fragments from my memory.
Anything from yesterday's lunch to an embarrassing moment that occurred when I was five years old can find its way back to consciousness. Trouble is I never know which particular memories are going to resurface. Sometimes they are pleasant memories that have me giggling like a schoolgirl for moments on end. Other times they are tragedies and regrets of the past. Today, they are the latter:
"Uhg, I'm reliving my uncle's funeral from five months ago."
"Why didn't I ever tell that one girl how I really felt?"
"That spaghetti dinner I had the other day tasted like rotten asshole."
Luckily, before I become too deeply immersed in sorrow, my mind rescues me from my past and brings me back to the present.
I love the present more than anything. There is nothing to regret and no potential consequences to worry about. I always know who I am, where I'm going, and what I'm doing. I have complete control.
Best of all, my mind is now clear and I'm ready to take action to better my life, which is good enough for now. At least it makes me feel better. Now I can finally turn around and go home.
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