Annoying Bitch Case Study
7/05/2007 by Tim Lovett
In 1994, a psychologist named Peter Merlon was in the process of performing an unethical, yet essential case study on a woman named Sally Baines. He told her he was there to study the effects of single parenting. He was actually there to attempt to shed light on the personality of the annoying bitch. He studied her for 3 months. These are his recently recovered transcripts:
Meet Sally Baines. As far as she knows, the universe revolves around her. From the second she wakes up and struggles to lift her 250 pound frame out of bed, all of her actions serve the exclusive purpose of satisfying her needs, at anyone's expense.
In the living room, her two children are calmly watching television until the serenity is shattered by the sound of steps creaking in pain as Sally walks down them.
Yes, shocking as it may seem, Sally has two kids, which means she has had sex at least twice. While it will forever be a mystery how she managed to accomplish this, it is no mystery that the husband has long since filed for divorce. He reportedly has no problem paying child support, calling it a small price to pay in exchange for being able to avoid Sally.
They say that children are especially good at using body language to express positive or negative affection toward others. This is clearly evident when Sally's kids show uncomfortable looks as they reluctantly greet her with a "Good morning".
Sally, seemingly unappreciative of her children's good nature, declines to return the sentiment, instead opting for, "Hurry up and get dressed, we have to leave soon!" spoken in a high-pitched voice with enough intensity to make one's blood curdle.
"But mom, can we just wait until the last two minutes of our show is over, please?" the children plead.
"NO, NOW!," Sally replies coldly.
Her children march to their room where they are quick to justifiably talk about her behind her back.
"I wonder why mommy is so mean today."
"I don't know, but she's being a real B-Word."
"I'm telling mommy what you said!"
"Being a tattle-tale is how you become mean like mommy."
"Ok, fine, I'm not telling."
When Sally arrives at her job at the local Applebee’s, the atmosphere immediately becomes sour. Her occupation is tailor-made for her personality – hostess.
The busboys nearby do their best to pretend not to notice her, but inside, they’re pissed. Sally, despite having a lower-skill job, gets to boss the busboys around. It’s a privilege she readily takes advantage of. Within a minute, she approaches them with the intention of making her voice heard.
“Now boys,” Sally screeches, “make sure the silverware is nice and straight,” as she attempts to straighten a fork, but makes it more crooked than it originally was.
“Okay,” the one boy responds indifferently, while looking as if he wished to respond with any of dozens of insults involving the word “cunt”.
“We may get busy today, so make sure you boys hustle.”
“All right,” said the other busboy, looking deeply resentful that a lazy, 250-pound woman would demand him to hustle.
As usual, Sally’s bitching turns out to be groundless. Two hours have passed and the dining room is barely half-full. Everything is running smoothly, with no thanks to Sally at all who is sitting idle while playing with her nails.
Every time customers walk in, she greets them with a condescending “Hi, how are you,” as if to say, “You need to get past ME before you can sit down and eat.” After the customers were seated, she usually made it a point to hunt down whatever server had that table, because servers must be incapable of keeping an eye on the four or five tables they are in charge of. Sally would tell them, for example, “You have a party of 4,” in a tone that seemed to rub in the fact that they now had more work to do. The busier the restaurant was, the more she tended to do this.
In an attempt to gain further insight into Sally’s personality, I tracked down and interviewed some of the people who know her best. These are their testimonies:
Jack Conners, Highschool Classmate:
"Yeah, I remember Sally. She was in most of my classes. I couldn’t stand her…at all.
"The teacher would be trying to explain something and she would constantly interrupt him with stupid questions that everyone else already knew the answer to. My mind would constantly be yelling at her to shut up, but she never did.
"Worst of all though was her personality. She had the mind of a supermodel, but the body of a 170-pound woman with a slightly crooked nose. She would wear these skin-tight shirts that exposed her gut to everyone. One time, I even overheard her telling an acquaintance that they, “made her feel like a goddess”. The goddess of what, fat and annoying? Damn, I hated that bitch."
Donna Franchesca, Restaurant Owner, Sally’s Employer:
"Yes, I’m aware of Sally’s tendency to get on everyone’s nerves. I experienced it first hand when I interviewed her for the hostess position she currently holds. Her tone of voice had this…arrogance to it. I kind of felt like I was talking to Hillary Clinton, only she was applying for an $8/hr hostess job. However, I was unable to find anyone else for the job so I hired her.
"It turns out she’s a good worker too. She works a full-time schedule and never calls out or arrives late, which is a bit ironic, since the main reason everyone hates her is because she’s around so much."
“But don’t you care about the morale of your other employees, not to mention your customers?” I asked.
“Of course not, I’m a restaurant owner for Christ sake!”
Getting Sally’s mother to provide some background on her condition was difficult. However, after thoroughly explaining the importance as well as the potentially enormous scientific value of this study, she came forth with some tidbits.
Jessica Baines, Sally’s Mother:
"As best as I can recall, Sally did show some selfish tendencies growing up. Oftentimes, when in a play group, for example, she would resist sharing with others like no other child I had ever seen. We would try to discipline her, but then she would start wailing loudly. It was embarrassing having to watch the other children and their parents cringe in annoyance, although it was kind of funny too.
"From the time she was ten years old, she would constantly complain about how her various peers were stupid and how she knew better than they did. As guilty as I feel about it now, I would often tune it out as it was just plain irritating.
"It would certainly explain why she was never popular with her peers. She never had any close friends. I remember on her prom night, she left the house saying she was going to meet up with her date elsewhere, but I could tell she was lying. Lying was one of many things she mistakenly thought she was good at."
Every so often, Sally will succumb to loneliness. She has no friends, which is not surprising of course, and must therefore resort to blind dating and hope for the best. What follows is an account of one such date with an unfortunate soul named Howard.
The night begins when Sally meets her date Howard outside of a downtown restaurant.
“Hi there, you must be Howard?” Sally says.
“Yes I am. That must mean you’re Sally. Nice to meet you,” Howard says uneasily, already visibly disappointed by her sloppy appearance. However, given that Howard is hardly a prize catch himself, he seems willing to go on with the date.
As they walk inside the restaurant, Howard continually glances at Sally’s shoes and I believe I know why. Sally is wearing a pair of heavy double high-heeled shoes which pound at the ground with every step. I can easily hear her walking from over thirty feet away. Only an obnoxious attention-seeking bitch would wear such shoes.
Howard then attempts to begin a conversation.
“So, what do you do for a living?” he asks.
“I’m a hostess at an Applebee’s,” she replies.
“Yeah, and oh my god, you wouldn’t believe how stressful it is. Like all day long, it’s nothing but seat the customers, walk back to the podium, and then seat some more customers. I’m telling you that place would completely fall apart without me and nobody appreciates it.”
“It’s hard work, I tell you,” Sally continued, “That’s why sometimes I try to show up a little late, or leave a little early, or just take extra long smoke breaks.”
“Mmm, hmmm,” Howard said while unsuccessfully holding back a heavy sigh.
“Speaking of smoking, that reminds me, I need one.” She said as she lit up.
“Listen Sally,” Howard said as he tried to ignore the smoke in his face, “there’s a lot of other people around. Maybe you should put the cigarette out until we’re in a more secluded area.”
“Ah, they don’t mind,” Sally replied as she blew out another puff of smoke that flew into Howard’s face. He couldn’t help but cough this time.
For most of dinner, Sally continues to dominate the conversation, rambling on about how “rough” she has it. Howard is seen often looking out the window and fondling his napkin and silverware. Howard’s suffering is painful to watch and makes one wonder why society places such high importance on being polite.
After dinner, it’s off to a nearby upscale bar for cocktails. Howard, being the gentleman he is, pays for everything. It’s just a pity that Sally preys on gentleman. Normally satisfied with moderate wines, she orders several $30 cocktails over the course of the evening. Believe it or not, Sally makes an even worse date when drunk.
“This place is great,” Sally yells while swerving back and forth, “the music is great.”
“You already told me that, three times,” Howard replies to deaf ears with a heavy sigh.
“WOOOOOOO!” Sally randomly shouts, and not in the good Ric Flair kind of way.
“It’s getting late, let me take you home.” Howard suggests.
After Sally is dropped off at her front door, already sensing Howard’s disinterest in her, yet not satisfied from just a free meal and drinks, she makes a desperate attempt for some dick. Even if turned down, she can bitch about it, a win-win situation for her.
“You should totally come back to my place. You could meet my kids, you’d love them.”
“Maybe some other time, I’ve got work tomorrow.”
“Oh, you’re such a party pooper!”
“I’ll talk to you later.”
“Oh, what? You don’t like me or something?”
“Good night…you drunk bitch.”
Not surprisingly, Howard never calls Sally back. Sensing that Sally’s “annoying tendencies” were the cause, I interviewed him about his experience with Sally.
“Last week you had a date with my client, Sally Baines. Would you care to describe that experience to me?” I ask.
“Oh, my fucking god!” Howard replies.
“Could you please elaborate on “fucking god”, please?”
“I feel like I went on a date with my mother. I couldn’t believe how much she ran her mouth and nagged about everything.”
“Was there any nagging in particular that bothered you?”
“At one point, she said my tie looked tacky. Meanwhile, she’s wearing plastic fucking jewelry, and then there were those noisy god-damned shoes she was wearing…”
“You noticed those also?”
“Yeah, every step she took made loud banging noises. As we walked, all I could hear was KALUP KALUP KALUP. I felt like I was with a horse instead of a woman. Someone should invent silencers for those fucking things.”
“Was there anything nice or enjoyable about your experience?”
“Well, the alcohol at the bar was good, but that’s about it. But seriously, there was nothing positive about interacting with this woman. As far as personality goes, she never had anything pleasant or enjoyable to say. She was a total bitch without even having a nice body to compensate for it. Her torso had the shape of a potato and yet she’s a snobby asshole. I’ve never seen anything quite like it.”
“If you had to describe Sally with a single word, what would it be?”
“Would you be interested in seeing her again?”
“I’m going to go with no.”
By now, one should have an idea of the type of person Sally is. After a few weeks of observations, I had enough. This woman, in her present state, was clearly a mess and a cancer to society. Worse still, others were suffering because of her. I had to try and help. One day, I finally confronted Sally about her aversive personality.
“After studying you and your family,” I stated, “it appears that being a single mother is having no harsh effect.”
“Well, isn’t that nice? I always knew I was the world’s best mother. Of course, I’ve also always known that I’m smarter and more resourceful than most people…”
“Yes, well, unfortunately, your peer relationships are being harmed by your personality.”
“How do you mean?”
“Based on my own observations, I’m not sure if you’re aware or not, but the way you act often tends to be perceived by others as selfish. I’ve never even observed you saying anything generally nice to another person. This type of personality tends to have an aversive effect on others, thus driving them away from you...what the hell is that crunching sound?”
“Oh, I’m just chewing on some ice.”
“Could you please stop it for just a moment? This is important.”
“My mouth is hot. I need it.”
“Sigh, anyway, I’m particularly worried about your relationship with your two children. They don’t seem to like you too much.”
“My children love me.”
“I’m sure they love you, but they don’t seem to enjoy actually being around you.”
“Yes they do!” she replied while stomping her foot.
“Let me ask you this, why do they seem to spend so much time in their room, away from you? Also, I’ve noticed that their interactions with you are often very brief and rushed even by a child’s standards. They both even admitted to me when I spoke with them that you are not exactly pleasant to be around. Why do you suppose that is?”
“Well that just goes to show how ungrateful they are! That kind of talk must stem from that no-good father of theirs!”
“Some may perceive passing the blame as a sign of weakness.”
“But I’m not wrong!”
“Try to see the big picture here. Your relationship with your children is suffering. There must be some way you can try to change in order to improve the situation.”
“There’s nothing wrong! I have the greatest kids in the world!”
“You just accused them of being ungrateful.”
“They are. They need to be more appreciative of me. I’ll have to give them a good hollering about that later. I’m glad you brought that to my attention.”
“Sigh, let’s try this again…”
I try several more times to convince Sally of the seriousness of this problem, but am unsuccessful.
“Listen,” I then say, “I have testimonies from your relatives and associates detailing how they cannot stand being around you. It’s not the rest of the world that has it wrong, it’s you!”
“Fuck you, get out!”
“Please, let me help.”
“Get out! Get out!”
As best as I can conclude, a large portion of Sally’s “bitchy” tendencies can be attributed to unfortunate environmental circumstances. Sally’s parents seem to have done a poor job raising her to be a more pleasant person with their distinctive parenting style known as “lazy”. Also, her peers rejected her from an early age, perhaps causing her to rebel against them, which only served to reinforce her asshole nature. Even when her marriage failed, she ended up receiving full custody as well as child support, perhaps making it seem as if everything wrong in her life really was the husband’s fault. Who could have ever imagined that our judicial system could let society down?
In the end, it just deeply upsets me to know that there are thousands of Sally’s out there, all causing misery for everyone around them, all refusing to change. They can’t be bargained with or reasoned with, like non-awesome versions of The Terminator. It makes me lose even more faith in humanity. Hell, even as I write this, my trailer trash of a next door neighbor is ruining my ears with her shrieks at her son for not cleaning his room. I mean really, it’s not that big of a deal, so quiet the fuck down. Annoying ass bitch.
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