No, We Can't "Just Tailgate"
August 21th, 2007

Tailgating has become one of America's finest and most popular sports traditions. The idea of partying outside a stadium for a few hours with your family or friends while making a pig of yourself and getting piss drunk is a genius one indeed. Unfortunately, as with most things that become popular, the practice of tailgating is becoming corrupt.

This corruption mainly stems from women and other phonies who don't wish to watch, let alone purchase tickets for, the actual game, but are whores for the attention and excitement that comes with tailgating. For the real sports fan, it’s quite the annoyance interacting with these assholes who only pretend to care about the team just so they can tailgate. They wear the team apparel, they drink all the alcohol, and then have the audacity to bother you with dumb questions about whether or not the competing teams are any good this year or basic inquiries about how the sport is played.

Their desire for attention is so grand that they will even try to drag others into coming with them, no matter how little those others care about who is playing. Then again, it could be that they are simply well-adjusted individuals who are just looking to get a group together and have a good time. Just kidding, they’re definitely attention whores.

When the time comes for the game to begin, these phonies will remain in the parking lot or just leave. Such people insist that tailgating is a worthwhile experience in itself, but as any true fan will tell you, they are wrong. Dead fucking wrong. Take for example, the most common reasons people have given me for why it is ok to simply tailgate and then not see the game:

1.) There will be lots of food and drinks there!

Wow, food AND drinks, god damn! You can’t get those anywhere else!

2.) You get to meet so many people!


3.) I'll drive.

You drive like a douchebag.

4.) We’ll watch the game in the parking lot on a TV.

You mean your piece of shit eight inch portable TV? No thanks. If your screen size is below the growth potential of a dick, I don’t want to use it.

5.) How about we listen to it on the radio?

Die. Or go back to the 1941, in which case, die anyway in World War II.

6.) It'll be FUN!

Or so you would think. You see, tailgating before a sporting event is a lot like foreplay before sex. It builds up anticipation and makes the actual event more special. Now imagine what would happen if you engaged in foreplay only to have your partner get up and leave afterwards without engaging in any sex. Not only would you be extremely disappointed, but you would also probably be enraged to the point that you would feel like beating the shit out of that no good cock-teaser...right after you rub one out, of course. And so it is with tailgating and then not being able to see the event live.

A true fan knows that in the end, going to a game is all about attending the game and nothing else. No amount of buffalo wings, nachos, beer, and especially socialization is ever going to change that.

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