The Virgin's Guide to Relationships
September 29th, 2007

Men are constantly complaining that they get laid too much and are always looking for ways to become better at abstinence.  In addition, men who save themselves for marriage are generally considered to be the coolest dudes on the block.

Unfortunately, it’s very difficult for the average male to remain pure until matrimony since most women cannot control their raging hormones and love to pressure guys into sex. Only with a foolproof system can their sexual energy be repelled away. Study the following points carefully.

Women will stop at nothing to get into a man's pants. Such behavior is quite offensive and uncalled for.

* Have High Standards

Many men are all too willing to look beyond a woman’s physical imperfections and like her for who she is on the inside. Accepting others for who they are is a one-way ticket to sex that should be avoided at all costs. A more sensible man knows that being penetrated by his penis is a privilege and doesn’t allow just anyone to experience this. When meeting girls, be sure to inspect them from head to toe and reject anyone who is not the epitome of western society’s standards of beauty. Use the images below as a guide.

Average looking girl with a heart of gold? Piss off.
Flat-Chested? Not Interested.
Sorry Anne Hathaway, without blonde hair, you're just too ugly for me.

* Be Goofy Looking

Women will have sex with anything, with one exception – goofy motherfuckers. You could have a toned body and be a multi-millionaire, but with a goofy face, there will be no pussy for you, end of story. Therefore, the face is often the first line of defense against intercourse, and as a result, cosmetics designed to make faces goofier has grown into a billion-dollar industry.

Would any sane girl want to have sex with this goofy man? Of course not. If I were this guy, I would refuse to even jerk myself off.

* Don’t Sacrifice Comfort for Hygiene

With women, good hygiene always takes precedence over practicality and common sense. For this reason, many men will not do things like fart or scratch their nose in the presence of a woman. Believe it or not, some even go to the trouble of washing their hands before leaving public restrooms. By disregarding these silly rules, you can avoid doing the nasty and feel much more relaxed in public. It's the best of both worlds.

You: 1
Women and Nostril Itch: 0

* No Chivalry

It cracks me up when men do nice little things for women. It’s like they want to get laid or something. Here’s a news flash: It’s the 21st century and women can open their own doors and bring their own jackets on chilly nights. Hold women to these great truths and continue to happily sleep alone.

Don’t just not open doors for women;
Hold them shut!

* Remind them of your Superior Intelligence

Women get really wet over men who respect their intelligence, which provides extra incentive not to do so. Take for example, this conversation I had with a female business executive:

Woman: I have my Master’s in Business Administration.

Me: Oh yeah? Well if you’re so smart, who won the first ever monster truck wrestling match at Halloween Havoc '95?

Woman: I don’t know.

Me: It was Hulk Hogan, STUPID.

The woman immediately stopped talking to me, clearly intimidated by my advanced cognitive abilities. She even slapped me in the face out of jealousy.

* Act Above it All

Many a seductress love guys who are fun, and thus, will try to get you interested in something they enjoy. Your job is to act like you are too good for those things, then criticize them for liking it. The easiest way to do this is by accusing each activity of being homosexual (Not that there's anything wrong with that). For example:

What They Suggest:
Your Response:
Let's go to a concert! Concerts are gay.
Let's see a movie! Movie theaters are for fags.
Let's play cards! Yeah, and maybe I'll suck some dick while I'm at it!
I know a cool bar we could go to! What are you, a carpet-muncher of something? I mean, God damn...

* As a Last Resort, Promote Mutual Respect

Some women are extra persistent and will still try to get you in the sack despite your best efforts. Temptation will run high as they offer to let you do as you wish to their luscious bodies. At this point, you must simply let them know that although you respect their decision to be hot sluts, you have higher values that must be upheld. Remind them that if they truly cared for you, they would be satisfied by getting to know the real you and not just your genitals.

It is my hope that this guide will help in your quest to abstain from sex. Eventually, you will meet the right person whom you can spend the rest of your life with and subject to all the perverted sexual fantasies you are always dreaming about, you sick bastard.

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