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Planet Earth, You're a Dick!
March 14th, 2011 by Mr. Tim

A few days ago, the country of Japan was affected by the devastating tragedy of a major earthquake followed by even more devastating tsunami waves. It was yet another grim reminder of just how much of an asshole our home planet can be.

What is the rationale of our planet for unleashing such destruction on an otherwise decent country? Sure, Japan isn't perfect. They once had the audacity to attack the U.S. and popular stereotypes would have us believe that they're the most sexually perverted among us, but that doesn't change the fact that they're a proud, hard-working people that make the world's greatest videogames.

All of the great Japanese videogames are too numerous to mention, but just know that they are generally held to a higher standard than this.

Well I, for one, am sick of Earth's bullshit. Earth has been living off it's reputation as being the only known planet that supports life for far too long and it needs to stop.

As far as I'm concerned, Earth receives far more credit than it deserves for being a planet that supports life. Let's be quite honest here, Earth is not some benevolent mother that nurtures us indefinitely without any strings attached. Earth is a malicious cocktease that taunts us with the prospect of an enjoyable life, but then whenever it's bored, amuses itself by dashing those dreams with random natural disasters, droughts, and famines. You never see this kind of behavior from the other planets in our solar system, for example. While none of those other planets support any life, at least they don't hide from the fact that they are barren, inhospitable planets. They show honestly in their lifelessness, something that Earth could really learn from.

Earth's asshole nature is the main reason I support my country's space program and also the main reason that everyone else should. People are always questioning whether billions of dollars should be spent on space exploration when it could instead be spent on feeding the world's hungry. These people need to understand that Earth is not really our friend and that the sooner we find another planet we can colonize, the better. If anything we should spend ALL of our money on space exploration. That way we can find another, better planet to inhabit and we won't ever again have to be at the mercy of Earth's plate tectonics or random weather patterns; AND we'll be able to feed all the hungry, because the new planet will be just that awesome.

Someday, humanity will live on a planet without stupid-ass Earth plate tectonics that cause people to die from earthquakes and of boredom from studying it in geology class.

It only takes some very brief research on the history of natural disasters, in order to arrive at the conclusion that Earth is such a dick to humanity that it is no longer necessary to feel bad upon hearing about how much pollution we've put into the planet. Once we find another planet to inhabit, we should increase our polluting efforts on earth, just as a final 'fuck you' to this dickhead of a planet and declare our ultimate and final victory over mother nature.

Of course, that remains but an optimistic dream for now, but in the meantime, I just want Earth to remember that we, humanity, are still standing in spite of your best efforts. Our collective resolve remains stronger than ever that, not only will we continue to pollute and drain resources to improve our lives, but one day, we'll completely finish off this asshole planet once and for all and live to tell about it.

After all, it's the least we can do for of all our fallen ancestors.

- 3.14.2011

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