So You Didn't Grow Up to be a Professional Athlete
April 20th, 2009 by Tim Lovett |

If you happen to be an adult male who is heterosexual or an adult woman who is a raging lesbian, the chances are high that you dreamed of becoming a professional athlete as a child. Now here you are, a full-grown adult who couldn't cut it in the athletic world and is now stuck working a boring, menial job, and living a pointless, sedentary lifestyle.

Now, you're probably sitting there, thinking to yourself, “Shit, I've really got no reason to live,” and for the most part, you're right. However, complete and utter despair may not be necessary, for there are still ways of coping with your disappointing life that can make your existence at least moderately bearable.

As a fair warning, many of these top-notch coping skills will require you to act like what has come to be labeled as a “dick”. But just remember, it is better to be a so-called “dick” than to be “pathetic”. Of course, some people might ask, “But doesn’t being a dick make you pathetic in itself?” To that I reply, “No. No it fucking doesn’t. What a stupid-ass question to ask.”

* Dominate Recreational Leagues

One of the most time-tested ways to feel better about yourself is to beat down on inferior competition that has no business being on the same field as you. More than likely, the city you live in has an organized amateur league for your favorite sport. The odds are also good that this league is populated by casual players who are only there because it’s a nice way to stay in shape or a nice diversion from work and family.

Well guess what? There’s not going to be anything nice about playing against you, the never-was professional athlete that takes the amateur league way too seriously. By making this league the center of your universe and continually training for it as if it were the Olympics, you should be able to crush the competition, for whom the league is just a passing fancy. As you experience success, pretend you’ve hit the big time and be arrogant and cocky to those around you as your ego dictates (see above picture). Happiness will follow.

Here is a quick reference guide for sizing up your competition in an amateur league. Hopefully, you fall into the "great" category:

Player's Skill Level:
“I almost went pro, but wasn't quite good enough."
“I used to play high school ball. I once scored 4 touchdowns in a single game, but now I'm a shoe salesman.”
"I'm playing just to try and stay in shape."
“I joined this league, because I thought it would be a good way to meet people (and get away from my family for a few hours).”

If for some reason you go to all this trouble and still don’t succeed at the amateur level, then you really suck and it’s time to simply give up on this whole being an athlete thing. Luckily, you don’t necessarily have to be an athlete to be involved in athletics.

* Become an Official or Referee

Becoming an official for your local little league or high school league is not only a great way to become actively involved in sports, but also the perfect vehicle for taking out your pent up frustration on other aspiring athletes. The benefits of officiating include, but are not limited to:

* The ability to call penalties on star players that you are jealous of and even eject them from the game.

* Call off an entire game at the slightest sign of inclement weather (e.g. "I felt a drop of rain, game over!"). This works best with long-anticipated contests between heated rivals with long histories that everyone looks forward to watching.

* Using your creativity to find new, innovative ways to make life hell for coaches, players, and fans.

* Bitch, Bitch, Bitch!

Attempting to ease your pain by whining to others about how you were "robbed" of your opportunity to become a professional athlete is a viable option. When sitting with the right crowd, your tale of how you “almost went pro” has the potential to captivate your buddies for hours on end and make you the life of the party. Just be careful though, some people may see right through your bullshit.

* Play the Race Card

When just regular bitching doesn't do the trick, you can take whining to the next level by bringing race into the picture. Unfortunately, due to the ever-increasing levels of tolerance and understanding in our society, crying racism is becoming harder and harder to pull off successfully. But if you look hard enough, it is still possible to find a bigoted crowd to hang out with and find acceptance for your skewed version of reality.

Did one of your coaches used to yell at you? That was because of your ethnicity. Never got enough playing time? That had nothing to do with lack of skill and everything to do with differing religious beliefs. Did you fumble 3 times in one game and get benched? That was definitely because you were or weren't black.

If you tell these stories enough times, you'll eventually believe them, finally freeing yourself of any responsibility and guilt for your many athletic shortcomings. Sure, you may end up becoming legitimately hateful against certain groups of people, but hey, all human beings are at least a little hateful by nature. Might as well put that hate to good use.

* Become a National Anthem Singer

I think it's a pretty safe bet to say that both the typical season ticket holder and the professional athlete already loves and respects his country. Regardless, sports organizations will be god damned if these people won’t be forced to listen to a drawn-out national anthem ceremony for every single fucking game ever played, EVER! National anthem ceremonies are something that everyone knows are stupid and unnecessary, but no one dares put a stop to it for fear of being labeled unpatriotic.

Naturally, being an anthem singer is the perfect way to annoy athletes and their fans. As an added bonus, they will all cheer for you after you finish. Once again taking a lesson from Principal Skinner of The Simpsons, you can even make a game out of it by seeing how slow you can sing the national anthem and then trying to break that record with each successive game.

* Become a Professional Ticket Scalper

There's alot more to being a ticket scalper than just being human garbage and having small, impotent genitalia. You see, scalping tickets is a great way to ruin the sports-going experience for others and make some extra money on the side. By purchasing tickets you have no interest in and reselling them at a scandalously marked up price, you will be able to spite anyone who would dare try to have a fun night out at a game with friends and family. Truth be told, there is no pleasure quite like leeching off of decent, hardworking people. It’s kind of like being a real estate investor, only without having to deal with pesky tenants every month.

* Buy Your Own Professional Sports Franchise

Owning your own professional team is pretty easy. All you need is a business that generates hundreds of millions of dollars. It’s really not that hard at all. I myself would go this route, but I don’t feel like it.

Once you own a team, the only hard part is deciding exactly what type of owner to be. There are several choices, each with its own advantages:

Rich Asshole:

Perfected by George Steinbrenner, the rich asshole laughs to his heart’s content as he buys up every single high-profile superstar his league has to offer. Hearing the complaints of the whiny fans of other teams only adds to his joy.

Granted, most high-salary teams will choke in the playoffs, but they usually dominate during the regular season, which is where a team makes most of its money, and is therefore the most important part of the season.

Cheap Asshole:

Why go through all the trouble of spending money on your team when you can run it into the ground and still make a profit? Most of the time, no matter how awful a team is, there will always be enough idiot diehard fans to come out and support it. Don’t forget to blackout home games for extra fun.

Ego Asshole:

This type of owner needs to leave a huge mark on his newly-acquired team so that everyone in the universe knows that the franchise now belongs to him. This is done by replacing the team’s established, classic uniforms with something new and modern, both of which are usually synonyms for ugly.

When Henry & Susan Samueli purchased the Mighty Ducks from Disney in 2005, they figured the team's uniforms would be better off without an original color scheme or an actual crest on the front of the jersey. The ego asshole struck again.

Fashion Asshole:

This owner is an extension of the ego asshole. Not satisfied with just one major uniform overhaul, the fashion asshole will change them every few years, if not every year. He will also be sure to adopt a ridiculously large array of alternate jerseys. In his mind, just because the team’s official colors are red and white, doesn’t mean the players can’t also be dressed in black, silver, green, pink, and midnight blue.

Dark blue and red...then dark blue and powder blue... and then a different shade of red and yellow for some reason. What the fuck is going on here?

Nice Asshole:

This owner goes out of his way to not gouge the fans on ticket and merchandise prices, while striving to provide them with as pleasurable of an experience as possible at home games. He also treats his staff with the utmost respect. But at the end of the day, he’s still an asshole with more money than me. Fuck this dude.

* Become a Heckler

Heckling players and coaches at games is not only a great way to vent frustration for all your failures in life, it also provides a valuable service to society. Everyday, thousands of players at all levels walk around, completely unaware that they suck or that they are fags. If you don’t tell them, who else will?

Also, contrary to popular belief, teams do listen when fans shout criticism and offer advice.

* Coach a Little League Team

Another great way to raise self-esteem is by yelling into the eardrums and asserting your authority onto those who are smaller, weaker, and less intellectually developed than you are. Little league coaching provides all of this and more. As an added bonus, the job not only empowers you to, but makes it your duty to take your lesser-talented players and not give them any playing time during games, thus starting them down a lifelong path of dashed dreams and inferiority complexes. Would this be considered cruel? Of course not. It’s simply the sweet revenge that you are completely entitled to.

* Become a Sports Agent

Be warned, this can be a bit of a double-edged sword. It must be understood that this job contains a major downside in that you will play a large role in helping your clients attain the superstar salaries and bonuses that you once yearned for, possibly triggering episodes of major depression, which wouldn’t be so bad except for the incidents of messy suicide they've been known to cause every now and then.

But enough about the bad, let’s look on the bright side. Being a sports agent gives you the chance to get paid for being a dick, and that’s pretty nice. You’ll get to enjoy the experience of watching team owners squirm as you extort them for more and more money, lest they allow your superstar player to cease playing for them. Then, once the inflated contract is finalized, you get to collect a criminal-like 10% for yourself.

Don’t assume this will be easy, sports agenting is an art form. In order to close out these big-money contracts, you’ll need to be very assertive and use razor-sharp negotiating skills, such as in the following hypothetical situations. Be prepared to play hardball.

Sports Agent vs. Frugal Owner

Agent: My client will accept nothing less than 10 years at $100 million.

Frugal Owner: Dude, we negotiated a contract just last year. The deal was 8 years at $50 million. You and your client were both happy with it.

Agent: Yeah, well, now we want a new contract. One that pays more money.

Frugal Owner: No.

Agent: Yes.

Frugal Owner: No.

Agent: Sir, my client is an established superstar and future hall-of-famer.

Frugal Owner: So?

Agent: So give us what we want.

Frugal Owner: No.

Agent: Fuck you, then. My client won't play again until you trade us to a team that isn’t afraid to spend money and we both know you’ll cave in within a few months at the most.

Frugal Owner (to himself): I hate my life.

Sports Agent vs. Poor Owner

Agent: My client will accept nothing less than 10 years at $100 million.

Poor Owner: I’m sorry, but we simply cannot afford to pay that.

Agent: That’s why you take it in the butt. We’re leaving for a rich team after this season ends.

Poor Owner (to himself): I am defeated.

Sports Agent vs. Super-Rich Owner

Agent: My client will accept nothing less than 10 years at $100 million.

Rich Owner: Sure, sounds good.

Agent: Oh yeah? Well….wait…oh…what I meant to say was we’ll accept nothing less than 10 years at $120 million.

Rich Owner: Fine.

Agent: Oh…well…alright then. Pleasure doing business with you. Have a nice day.

Rich Owner (to himself): What a nice guy. He must have been raised by a good mother.