Finally, Us Philly Sports Fans have a Chance to be Unbearably Obnoxious
October 30th, 2008 by Tim Lovett |

Dear fans of all non-Philadelphia sports teams: You all suck. You’re all gay. The Philadelphia Phillies are World Champions.

Man, this has been a long time coming. For the first time during my lifetime - and by extension, the only time period that matters - Philadelphia has a major sports championship. As long as I've been alive, I’ve suffered through far too many championship-caliber Philadelphia teams choking in the playoffs. For years, I've had to endure watching and reading about fans in other cities celebrating ultimate victory, making my blood boil for reasons that are totally irrational.

In fact, I’ve been keeping track, and I’ve survived all of the following, among others:

* Obnoxious Dallas Cowboys fans of the early-mid 90s.

* Obnoxious Chicago Bulls fans of the early-late 90s.

* Obnoxious New Jersey Devils fans of the late 90s-early 2000s (granted, there were only like 7 of them, but they were still really annoying).

* Obnoxious Boston fans of the 2000s that act as if the Red Sox and Patriots don’t have long, shameful histories of being shitty teams.

* Obnoxious New York fans since forever, because those fans are ALWAYS annoying (and stupid and smell bad).

Well guess what assholes! The shoe’s on the other foot now! We’ve finally got our championship and you’d better believe we’re going to rub it in your face to the point where you’re going to wish for some sort of natural plague to destroy the City of Brotherly Love, at which point we’ll simply taunt you some more in as classless a manner as possible. The more vulgar, the better.

For example, are you from X City and enjoy rooting for Y Team? Well, FUCK YOU, the Philadelphia Phillies are World Champions! Go die in a fire, DICKHEAD!! That’s exactly why you suck so much, because you’re a stupid DICKHEAD who was either raised or made a conscious decision to cheer for teams that do not reside in the Philadelphia area. Serves you right...DICKHEAD!

Here are some graphical representations of what I just stated:

Epic Failures

Don't even think about getting offended by any of the above. The fact that my team won the championship makes everything I wrote totally accurate and completely ethical to publish.

In closing, long live this new era of obnoxious Philly shit-talking. And just remember, the Phillies are actually one of our least popular teams. God help you if the Eagles, Flyers, or Sixers ever win a championship sometime this century. Now then, excuse me while I continue to sit around behind my computer screen, where no one can hurt me, and feel and act superior to all you non-Philly-fan losers.