By Tim Lovett, GoldenLiterature.com
11.09.2007
If opinions are like assholes, my asshole is the best.
At face value, I’m not special by any means. I’m a moderately-educated person who doesn’t care to pay attention to world events or expand my horizons. Nonetheless, I remain firmly convinced that my opinions about everything are correct and it burns me up to see anyone think otherwise.
It seems like everywhere I go, I’m bombarded with differing perspectives about social issues. It’s almost like we live in a democratic society that encourages diverse thought and it makes me sick to my stomach.
The media is the biggest culprit of all. Just the other day, I became violently outraged while watching CNN and witnessing some idiot analyst share political views that were different from my own. I hollared at him as loud as I could through the television set, hoping to change his mind, but he wouldn’t listen to me. Unbelievable.
The problem is only getting worse. Last month, I was even forced to break up with my girlfriend after she kept saying that blue was the best color in the world even though it’s obvious to me that it’s green. What a bitch, I mean, how stupid can you be? Fuck blue.
Thankfully, I never encounter this problem when I’m out with my buddies. Every time I share with them my uninformed, but accurate views on life, they shower me with praise and sometimes even refer to me as “The Man”.
Yet, whenever I do this with strangers in public forums, they often have the gall to disagree with me and express their own unique opinion. Even after I shout at them about how I’m right and they’re wrong, while simultaneously stomping my foot on the ground, they still refuse to have my opinion imposed on them. Not even swearing and childish name-calling can bring them to their senses. As a result, I’m often forced to threaten others with physical force to win my debates, but then I get branded as the bad guy. Am I the only one who sees a problem with this?
Worst of all is when people ask me to explain why I think my opinions are correct. I’m always quick to tell them that they just are and that I’m super-sure about it, but apparently, that’s an unacceptable rationale. I guess there’s just no pleasing some people.
This is why I need to become King of the Universe. Then I could make it a law to agree with me about everything. Anyone caught breaking this law would promptly be forced to become a “Registered Stupidface”. Good luck finding employment with a label like that on your job application.
Since that will probably never happen, I am left with no choice but to demand that the residents of this planet get with the program and learn to think as I do. Disagreeing and arguing with all of you is really starting to get on my nerves, and quite frankly, it’s very rude of all of you to put me through that kind of mental aggravation. If you just relax and give my words some thought, I am confident that, sooner or later, you will come to see things my way.