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5.23.2008
Both The Fatherly Creator and the Prince of Darkness themselves were kind enough to serve as guest writers here on GoldenLiterature.com. Today, they sound off on the topic of human conduct. I must say, for two beings who are outspoken proponents of eternal hellfire, they sure have a strange sense of humor! Enjoy!
Point
The 10 Most Important Commandments
By God
And God said, “Let there be a list article!” and it was so.
People are always coming up to me and are like, “Oh my god, God, what exactly do I have to do in order to be a good worshipper?” With that in mind, I have come up with, what I believe, are the most important rules for all of humanity to follow. Just follow these ten simple rules, and you’ll be on your way to a blissful eternity of…worshipping me.
10.) Honor thy mother and thy father
No matter how well-behaved you think you were during childhood, you were still an irritating little shit who should be grateful that their parents put up with them. If they simply had thrown you to the wolves, all they had to do was accept Jesus, and they would have been forgiven. And yet, they let you live anyway, so show some respect you ungrateful bastard.
9.) Honor the Holy Sabbath
Very few people seem to be doing this anymore and I can’t understand why. The whole point of this is to ensure that every person has at least one day off per week. Even if you don’t believe in me, you’re an idiot if you don’t follow this commandment. It’s amazing how many people are willing to reject God, yet complain about having to work on Sundays.
8.) Do not take the Lord’s Name in Vain
Jesus H. Christ, seriously! I mean, God fucking damn! Quit attaching my name to your problems and frustrations. It hurts my feelings, and when my feelings get hurt, cities tend to get burned, worlds tend to get flooded, and people tend to “accidentally” wander in the desert for 40 years or so.
7.) Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s possessions
Coveting is a slippery slope towards disaster. Sure, you start off small and harmless, coveting little things like your neighbor’s fancy shirt or his new plasma TV. But then you begin coveting bigger things like your neighbor’s wife's enormous breasts and what it would be like to fondle them. Next thing you know, you act on those urges and end up in a jail cell with a rather large cellmate who’s coveting your asshole, if you catch my drift.
6.) Thou shall not bear false witness against thy neighbor
I may have invented the concept of a bull having shit, but that doesn’t mean that I like bullshitters. We have an old saying up here in Heaven: “Be honest, or burn in agonizing torment for all eternity.”
5.) Thou shall not commit adultery
Let’s look at this logically. If you actually find someone willing to be with your ugly ass and put up with all your shit, don’t you think it’s only fair to be loyal them? If you make a commitment to someone, then you must learn to live with their increasingly annoying selves and their gradually deteriorating private parts. That’s just the way it works.
4.) Thou Shall not steal
Don’t you people already have enough junk as it is?
If you really want something, go out and work for it. Anything worth having in this world is worth working for. Stealing is never the answer, no matter how tempting and laughably easy to get away with.
However, since I’m a loving God, if you’re generally a nice guy, but feel the urge to steal some free music or videos off the internet every now and then, or everyday, that’s fine. I’ll let that slide.
3.) Thou shall not kill
Human beings were ultimately created for one reason - my amusement. I take great joy in watching you all from above and observing your successes and failures at life. When one of you kills another, it’s almost like having your favorite TV show abruptly cancelled. Don’t fucking do it. Besides, do you know who liked to kill people? HITLER. Therefore, killing is evil.
2.) Thou shall not make unto thee any graven images... Thou shall not bow down thyself to them.
Especially not after that golden calf bullshit that the Hebrews tried to pull back at Mt. Sinai. I mean, if you’re going to create a false idol, it could have at least been something cool like an eagle or a cheetah, or a guy wearing a robe that says ‘God’ on it, but no, they chose a fucking cow. Between statues, money, and feet, I swear, sometimes it’s like you people will worship anything BUT me. And some Bible scholars wonder exactly why I’ve gotten so angry in the past.
1.) Thou shall have no other gods before me
This isn’t really so much of a commandment as just common sense. I created everything and am all-powerful. Therefore, I’m God, and no one else, so you all need to get that through your skulls, which I admittedly should not have made so thick to begin with.
Counterpoint
10 Stupid Commandments you don’t Really Need to Follow
By Prince Lucifer
People come up to me all the time and are like, “Damn, that God fellow doesn’t let me have any fun and always makes me feel bad about myself.” I couldn’t agree more. Take these so called “Ten Commandments”, for example. What a buzz-killing load of bullshit.
10.) Honor thy mother and thy father
Anyone who has ever been born knows that parents are a pain in the ass, what with all their rules and such. They don’t deserve your honor. I mean, how many times can you be told to clean your room when it’s already clean enough? I say more power to those who talk back to their parents when they’re young and don’t visit them in the nursing home when they’re older.
9.) Honor the Holy Sabbath
Most people are lucky if they even get Sunday off to begin with, and now God wants us to devote the entire day to him. Not only is he a jealous god, he’s clearly a selfish one as well. Do you know what we do on Sundays in hell? Watch football and drink beer. Face it, we’ve got God beat, there.
8.) Do not take the Lord’s Name in Vain
Jesus H. Christ, God, stop being such a whiny bitch. Lord almighty.
7.) Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s possessions
Say it with me: “I’ll covet whatever the fuck I want, whenever the fuck I want!”
Feels good, doesn’t it?
6.) Thou shall not bear false witness against thy neighbor
Chances are, if you don’t stab your neighbor in the back with your lies first, your neighbor will only do it to you sooner or later. Humans are untrustworthy like that. As a general rule in life, you should always have a quick mental list of lies that can be used against your friends, family, neighbors, and bosses should you ever need to engage in any kind of battle against them. It’s the only way to come out a winner in all your social relationships.
5.) Thou shall not commit adultery
Let’s look at this logically. Is it really fair to stay loyal to your partner when he or she has become an overweight slob that doesn’t even try to put in an honest performance in bed? If you’ve still got the goods and your partner isn’t up to snuff, you owe it to yourself to snatch all the infidelic poon tang you can.
4.) Thou Shall not steal
Stealing is not only a great way to get things you want for free, it’s also a lot of fun. So at this point, it should come as no surprise that God doesn’t want you doing it. Allow me to let you in on a dirty little secret: God intends for you to spend this lifetime toiling, as in, putting in long hours of hard work day after day. The only way to avoid working yourself to the bone is to steal your way to a life of wealth and comfort. I believe stealing should be easy and accessible for everyone. That’s why I invented the internet.
3.) Thou shall not kill
If thousands of years of wars have taught us anything, it’s that all of Earth’s greatest problems can be solved by killing people. If it weren't for war and murder, the United States of America, my personal favorite country, wouldn't even exist. Besides, if Hitler had followed this commandment, he wouldn’t have killed himself and might have lived for a few more decades. Therefore, not killing is evil.
2.) Thou shall not make unto thee any graven images... Thou shall not bow down thyself to them.
Ok, so a bunch of Hebrews made an ugly ass golden calf a few thousand years ago and now no one is allowed to make a graven image? Way to stifle artistic creativity, God. Funny how he’s allowed to CREATE an entire universe, yet people aren’t allowed to be CREATIVE themselves.
1.) Thou shall have no other gods before me
God really needs to chill out and stop trying to make himself the center of attention. That’s been his whole act since The Beginning and it went stale at least 3,000 years ago. It’s time for Mr. Worship-Me-All-the-Time to step aside and let others try to fill the role of god.