The Busy Man's Guide to Phone Conversation

With an average lifespan of 79 short years, our time is undeniably valuable. And yet, being the fucked up creatures we are, we keep phones on us.

Most of us have been in the following situation. Perhaps you were taking a relaxing hot bath, enjoying a delicious sandwich, or masturbating to a favorite porn video. Suddenly, the phone rings and totally fucks up your groove.

It seems like people are constantly calling us for stupid bullshit we don't need to be bothered with. But the truth is, it's our own damn fault! Most people are way too polite on the phone. It only serves to keep our nuisances coming back for more.

A simple solution would be to get rid of our phones, but it's not that easy unfortunately. Not only would your family and friends accuse you of being uncaring, people would also think you were weird for cutting off contact with the world, myself included.

In order to cut down on phone conversations, but still keep your phone, one must learn proper phone etiquette:

1.) Answering the phone- The very first words you say into the receiver are the most important as they set the tone for the rest of the conversation. Most people make the mistake of saying "hello". Every time you say "hello" in that friendly tone, what you're really saying is "Feel free to fill my ear with endless bullshit, while I slowly grow old and frail."

The best way to answer the phone is with the word "yo". It provides people with a greeting, but the uncivilized nature of the word helps give the impression that you are not capable of having a full conversation. As you will see, it's the perfect lead-in to the rest of the short lived dialogue.

2.) Only give one word answers- The more words that you speak to the person on the other line, the more material you give them to talk about in return. Providing one-word answers forces the other person to talk constantly, effectively creating a one-sided conversation. Eventually, the person will run out of things to say and end the conversation, allowing you to get back to the more important things in life like watching reruns of Married with Children or teasing your pets. If you're good enough, try to answer with just grunts, as this works even better.

Speaking with relatives doesn't justify missing classic television.


3.) Always Agree with the Person- Disagreeing with someone will only lead to a debate or argument. Even if you win, you'll still ultimately be the loser for having wasted your time. Instead, simply give the other party the satisfaction of being right in exchange for the imminent termination of the conversation, it's well worth it. Observe the following example:

"I can't believe this cold weather we're having."

"I know" [Time elapsed: 5 seconds]

"I think summer is the best season of the year."


"It also really pisses me off how Jews control the media. I fucking hate Jews."

"Mmm-Hmm." [Time elapsed: 15 seconds]

"If only there were enough Neo-Nazis in the world to do something about it."


"Well it was nice talking to you, see you later (click)."

"(Sigh), fucking finally." [Time elapsed: 25 seconds]

Now imagine how long that conversation would have dragged on if I had tried to change his mind about the Jews. It easily would have cut into my nap time, and I simply won't have that.

4.) I don't know = I'm not Worth Talking To- People who call to ask for advice or information are the worst. Not only is advice time-consuming, if you give it to them, they will only come back for more. Positive reinforcement truly is a bitch. The lesson here is to never, ever be helpful on the phone. Use these examples below to practice for the real thing:

"Do you have any idea how to hook up a DVD player?"

"I don't know."

"Should I get an abortion?"

"I don't know."

"I'm having chest pains, what should I do?"

"I don't know."

5.) Don't obligate yourself to do anything- Many phone conversations have the goal of getting you to make plans to go out of your way to do something. From my personal experience alone, I can tell you that many wasted nights and weekends have their origin in an innocent phone call. People never seem to have a shortage of favors to ask or social events to get you attend. Giving them a firm "NO" will almost always get you in trouble. Therefore, the best course of action is to always have a short list of excuses prepared in advance for why you can't do anything. Write them down and post them on your refrigerator if necessary. Here are some of my favorites, feel free to use them:

"I have other plans."

"I have work to catch up on."

"I have Pink Eye."

If you follow all of these guidelines, you should never again have a phone conversation that lasts longer than five minutes. If you work hard enough at it, people may stop calling you altogether. Just be sure to spend some of your new free time reading my site as a thank you.

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© 2007 by Tim Lovett -