Family Power Rankings
December 29th, 2008

I absolutely hate attending family functions because my family members are always trying to subtly one-up each other when they talk about how their lives are going. Hoping to put an end to it, I've assigned them all an objective rank. Now everyone in my family will know where they stand. It will also give them something interesting to talk about for a change.

Rankings are determined by the following:

* Wealth and accomplishments
* What they've done for me lately
* Attractiveness (Face it, the pretty ones are always given favoritism)
* Difficulty of Life (Strength of Schedule)
* Computer Rankings

Family Power Rankings
(as of January 1, 2009)



Uncle Richard
His 36 year streak as wealthiest member of the family is alive and well. Rumor has it, I'm in his will.
He's got youth, personality, and a full-time job. Most of the family just doesn't measure up to that. All I need now is some money and that top spot is mine.
Uncle Larry
Really helped me out last month. Whenever I need a favor, he comes through in the clutch.
My Dog
Shit on the carpet last Friday. Not cool.

A great person overall, but his sub-par Christmas presents make us wonder if he's serious about competing for the top spot.

Aunt Mary
Did an awesome derogatory impression of Aunt Harriet at last week's party. I'm still laughing thinking about it.
Grandpa Fred
Do yourself a favor and listen to this guy rant against society while drunk sometime. It's a fun experience you won't regret.
Invited me over for a nice dinner the other day. Could have done without all that irritating conversation, though.
Aunt Diana
When I stopped by her house last month, she wore a shirt exposing her wrinkly cleavage. It gave me a terrible nightmare. For a week.
Great-Grandma Helen
At 90 years old, still being on the family active roster is an accomplishment in itself.
Cousin Stan
Total asshole. Inexplicably high computer rankings.
Cousin Andrew
Great guy. Horrible computer rankings.
Cousin Beth
Finally dumped that dickhead boyfriend she kept making me talk to and insisting I would get along great with. Now if she would just stop crying over the break up, she could be a top 10 player again.
Cousin Brian
Showed me his Yu-Gi-Oh card collection. I was underwhelmed and, for a moment, secretly ashamed to be related to him.
Cousin Howard
Lives in California and has been rarely seen or heard from over the last 5 years. On the positive side, he hasn't bothered be in 5 years. Fair enough.
Grandma Judy
We don't know what's more frustrating: her mediocre life or the fact that she seems satisfied with that.
Aunt Betty
"Look at me! Look at me! I'm pregnant! I'm pregnant!" Enough already, it's not that big of a deal. Congratulations on your successful intercourse.
Uncle William
This is a franchise in transition. After 21 years as a police officer, he quit the force and opened up his own business. The jury is still out on whether this was a good idea.
Aunt Claire
Enrolling in a painting class, no matter how impressive she makes it sound, does nothing to improve her social status.
Grandma Anne
Insists her home-made chocalate chip cookies are the best in the world. Personally, I'll take factory-made Chips Ahoy over her baked abominations any day of the week.
Uncle Clyde
Clyde's social-climbing strategy was to earn a Ph.D in chemistry. Pity that all those years of schooling never taught him how to be the least bit interesting or amusing. This is about as high as he can ever get in the rankings.
Cousin Drake
Disrespectful little shit that won't listen to anyone and needs to be beaten.
Aunt Gina
Asshole parent who won't beat her 22nd-ranked son and get his ass in gear.
Cousin Randy
Recently got out of rehab and swears his heroin days are now behind him. Could this be the beginning of a successful rebuilding process? Only time will tell.
Grandpa John
The definition of disappointment. He's been around forever and hasn't accomplished a damn thing.
I keep trying to like my Grandmother's cat, but it just ain't happening.
Aunt Harriet
The annoying wife of top-ranked Uncle Richard, she continues to be a stuck-up, social-climbing bitch.
Baby Marilyn
We welcome this expansion franchise to the family. However, she must start at the bottom like everyone else.
Uncle Barry
Still doing hard time in prison for armed robbery.
Brother Jake
This is my brother. He sucks.

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Honest Opinion Version

-December 29th, 2008

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