Family
Power Rankings
(as of January 1, 2009)
|
RANK |
PERSON |
TREND |
COMMENT |
| 1 |
Uncle
Richard |
- |
His 36 year streak
as wealthiest member of the family is alive and well.
Rumor has it, I'm in his will. |
2 |
Me |
- |
He's got youth,
personality, and a full-time job. Most of the family
just doesn't measure up to that. All I need now is some
money and that top spot is mine. |
3 |
Uncle
Larry |
|
Really helped
me out last month. Whenever I need a favor, he comes
through in the clutch. |
4 |
My
Dog |
|
Shit on the carpet
last Friday. Not cool. |
5 |
Dad
 |
|
A great person overall, but
his sub-par Christmas presents make us wonder if he's
serious about competing for the top spot.
|
6 |
Aunt
Mary |
|
Did an awesome
derogatory impression of Aunt Harriet at last week's
party. I'm still laughing thinking about it. |
7 |
Grandpa
Fred |
|
Do yourself a
favor and listen to this guy rant against society while
drunk sometime. It's a fun experience you won't regret. |
8 |
Mom |
|
Invited me over
for a nice dinner the other day. Could have done without
all that irritating conversation, though. |
9 |
Aunt
Diana |
|
When I stopped
by her house last month, she wore a shirt exposing her
wrinkly cleavage. It gave me a terrible nightmare. For
a week. |
10 |
Great-Grandma
Helen |
- |
At 90 years old,
still being on the family active roster is an accomplishment
in itself. |
11 |
Cousin
Stan |
|
Total asshole.
Inexplicably high computer rankings. |
12 |
Cousin
Andrew |
|
Great guy. Horrible
computer rankings. |
13 |
Cousin
Beth |
|
Finally dumped
that dickhead boyfriend she kept making me talk to and
insisting I would get along great with. Now if she would
just stop crying over the break up, she could be a top
10 player again. |
14 |
Cousin
Brian |
|
Showed me his
Yu-Gi-Oh card collection. I was underwhelmed and, for
a moment, secretly ashamed to be related to him. |
15 |
Cousin
Howard |
- |
Lives in California
and has been rarely seen or heard from over the last
5 years. On the positive side, he hasn't bothered be
in 5 years. Fair enough. |
16 |
Grandma Judy  |
|
We don't know
what's more frustrating: her mediocre life or the fact
that she seems satisfied with that. |
17 |
Aunt
Betty |
|
"Look at
me! Look at me! I'm pregnant! I'm pregnant!" Enough
already, it's not that big of a deal. Congratulations
on your successful intercourse. |
18 |
Uncle
William |
|
This is a franchise in transition.
After 21 years as a police officer, he quit the force
and opened up his own business. The jury is still out
on whether this was a good idea. |
19 |
Aunt
Claire |
- |
Enrolling in
a painting class, no matter how impressive she makes
it sound, does nothing to improve her social status. |
20 |
Grandma
Anne |
|
Insists her home-made
chocalate chip cookies are the best in the world. Personally,
I'll take factory-made Chips Ahoy over her baked abominations
any day of the week. |
21 |
Uncle
Clyde |
|
Clyde's social-climbing
strategy was to earn a Ph.D in chemistry. Pity that
all those years of schooling never taught him how to
be the least bit interesting or amusing. This is about
as high as he can ever get in the rankings. |
22 |
Cousin
Drake |
|
Disrespectful little shit that
won't listen to anyone and needs to be beaten. |
23 |
Aunt
Gina |
|
Asshole parent who won't beat her
22nd-ranked son and get his ass in gear. |
24 |
Cousin
Randy |
|
Recently got out of rehab and swears
his heroin days are now behind him. Could this be the
beginning of a successful rebuilding process? Only time
will tell. |
25 |
Grandpa
John |
|
The definition
of disappointment. He's been around forever and hasn't
accomplished a damn thing. |
26 |
Patches |
|
I keep trying
to like my Grandmother's cat, but it just ain't happening. |
27 |
Aunt
Harriet |
|
The annoying
wife of top-ranked Uncle Richard, she continues to be
a stuck-up, social-climbing bitch. |
28 |
Baby
Marilyn |
|
We welcome this
expansion franchise to the family. However, she must
start at the bottom like everyone else. |
29 |
Uncle
Barry
|
|
Still doing hard
time in prison for armed robbery. |
30 |
Brother
Jake  |
|
This is my brother.
He sucks. |
