What Kind of Loser Spends Two Years of His Life Operating A Personal Website?
(Two-Year Anniversary)

Unfortunately, I wouldn't know due to how studly of a man I am, as well as my tendency to pretend to be things that I am not over the internet and then buy into my own bullshit.

That being said, as this site completes its second year in existence, I feel a wide range of emotions ranging from “Wow, what an accomplishment” to “What the hell is wrong with me?”

But enough questions with no concrete answers. Let's move on to answerable questions nobody cares about:

* Why does this page look weird? What the fuck?

It's a throwback to the original color scheme of the website. It's based on the original layout that only those who read the site during the first 7 months will recognize.

* You took an extended hiatus last year. Are you going to pull that bullshit again? What the fuck?

Yes. I know this goes against all advice on running a blog, but my ultimate goal is to be able to run this website similar to a television show in that you'd have a series of frequent updates (or “new episodes”) followed by an extended absence (an “offseason”). At least, that would be the ideal. Don't be surprised if that never happens, however.

But still, this website is never going to be updated everyday or every other day. Most of what I post has considerable thought and effort put into it and, well, I have a life too outside of the internet. The best I can do is offer the RSS feed so that you don't have to randomly check the website for updates. If you don't use RSS (and I don't blame you), then just check the site once every week or two, you'll miss nothing if you do this.

* You launched a 'Reviews' section in early 2008, but stopped after only 3 reviews. What the fuck?

The simple answer is that a bunch of the books that I wanted to review were so terrible that I couldn't even finish them and I did not want to continue to put myself through that torture. It had been hard enough getting through that Life's Little Annoyances book.

Case in point, the next review I was going to do was on a book called “I Was Told There'd Be Cake”, which I bought on a whim at a bookstore. Now, I don't like want to get into the habit of bashing other humor writers, but this book was so hopelessly lame that I had to stop reading about 35 pages in.

Warning: Do not read.

In fact, my default writing style really doesn't portray enough anger and hatred towards the book. This one is going to require an Angry Video Game Nerd impression:

So yeah, no more reviews. I have some ideas for a different section to replace it that I may implement later or I may just get rid of it outright.

* The Short Stories...where are they? What the fuck?

There are some in the works. I wish I could publish them more often, but they take longer to write than anything else on this website. But on the plus side, when done properly, I still believe the stories are arguably the most original and entertaining pieces on the website.

* The “Best” of the “Best”. Why don't you tell us the most popular articles from the past year? What the fuck?

Oh, so that's how it is? You only like articles that other people like. Well here you go you fucking sheep:

Most Popular Pieces (Measured by Page Views)

1.) Add-Ons to Famous Quotes

2.) Labor Day Tribute

3.) The Magic Pill Diet


My Favorites from the Past Year:

1.) Point/Counterpoint: God vs.Satan

2.) Family Power Rankings

3.) Add-Ons to Famous Quotes

* Search Engine Queries from the Past Year. What the fuck?

As I stated last year, I know this has been done before by countless other websites, but I remain fascinated by the crazy search queries that people run in their spare time. Therefore, I will again contribute to the fun. The following are real search queries that people used to find GoldenLiterature.com

female breasts famous in literature- Perhaps this would best describe Helen of Troy? They say she had the “face that launched a thousand ships,” but come on, I'm sure her tits had much more to do with it.

dullmotherfucker.com- Hey! Fuck you Google. Maybe you're a dull-mother-fucking search engine.

people write stupid- I can tell.

girl explodes diarrhea- Poor girl. Who will want to stick it in her butt now? Nevermind, I don't want to know.

fighter pilot shits pants- Wow. Just imagine yourself flying through the sky, feeling like you're on top of the world. Then you shit your pants. Talk about a major blow to the human ego...

diarrhea ruined career- LOL!

i had diarrhea and couldn t make it to the toilet- I don't get all these diarrhea queries. Is the natural response to shitting yourself Googling it for more information?

diarrhea made my asshole hurt- Yeah, that's what it does, dumbass. Now get the fuck off the internet.

how to get rid of shit stains around the anus- Sigh.

exit to eden remake- Just edit out all of Rosie O'Donnell's scenes and you're fine.

men fucking sweatpants- Why would you defile the purity of sweatpants? That's sick.

as long as there s a ghetto i ma be ghetto- And I'ma keep making fun of you for choosing to be ghetto trash.

middle-aged women are bitches– See, I'm not crazy. Someone agrees with me.

oldman crazy about sex– How many times do I have to say it: No horny old people are allowed on GoldenLiterature.com

* Betting Odds for what happens with GoldenLiterature.com over the next 365 days.

Website layout is changed at least twice 1 : 2

Updates for the website are postponed because author begins browsing porn while writing an article 1 : 4

Website is retired 1 : 10

Website becomes “popular” 1 : 1000

Website author dies 1 : 100

Website author dies in a fire 1 : 2000

Website publishes something funny AND Intelligent: 1 : 100,000

On a serious note, I'd like to close out this article stating that I do in fact appreciate all of the readers that have. Together, we help keep personal humor sites alive. Keep on reading.

- 3.15.2009

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