Something that’s Never Been Done Before:
A One-Year Anniversary Article

March 15th, 2008

For better or worse, has been around for an entire year.

* “Big deal, so your corny ass site has existed for 365 days, so the fuck what? Yeah that’s right, I cursed, because I’m tough. Do something about it….pussy.”

Well first of all, it’s been 366 days, since it was a leap year. Also, according to various statistics which I have no interest in double checking, but are probably reasonable estimates, approximately 90% of personal sites such as this one don’t last longer than 6 months. Not to stroke my own cock, but being around this long is apparently an accomplishment in itself. Then again, that also means I’ve spent a lot of time on the internet……………sigh.

* Recognizing the “Best” of the “Best”:

One of the more frustrating aspects of writing, especially on the internet, is that something you believe is a great piece will not necessarily be as well-received as you would like or think it deserves to be. I made a list of what I believe are the five best pieces from the last year and compared them to those that received the most page views. Only one of them made both lists.


* Nicest thing said about me (that I know of):

Yeah, that sounds like me.

* Not Nicest thing said about me (that I know of):

“Please, never procreate.”

Just because of that, I’ve been traveling the world, impregnating women and introducing them into the fun-filled lifestyle of single motherhood.

* Search Engine Queries: Always Good for a Chuckle!

It’s been done by many websites in the past, but I always get a kick out of the crazy shit that people search for when they discover a webpage, so now it’s time for me to contribute. When analyzing my search results over the past year, I made a shocking confirmation of something I already knew very well: People are fucking gross!

Would you care to guess what the top search query for this website was besides “Golden Literature” over the past year?

Go ahead, take a guess. Got it?

And the number one search query is…


In one of my earliest pieces, I wrote an article about poetry and made what I thought was a mild joke about how some crappy poems were comparable to the nastiness that is ruby showers. Despite no one ever having linked to that webpage, that one little sentence allowed my article to rank high for a search of ‘ruby showers’ and has brought me the most traffic via search engine out of any piece I’ve ever published. This article may now “enjoy” the same fate.

So there you have it SEO whores, if you want some extra search engine traffic, try to work ruby showers into a paragraph somewhere.

Here are some other notable search queries that expose the public to this literary website of a golden nature:

Golden shower stories- The equally gross cousin of ruby showers provided significant search engine traffic as well. How do you even write a story about this? I can’t imagine it being anything more than:

"I pissed on someone. We both got off from it. The End."

Nasty Cunt Literature- That’s got a nice ring to it. I think it’s time to rename my website.

holding in my shit- I won’t make fun of this person because you can never have enough knowledge about holding in your shit.

Friendly cat story- I can only imagine his disappointment when he read my cat story.

Best movie ever Commando- This person is awesome.

Commando gay movie Arnold- I hope this person dies. There’s so much ignorance in the world.

Slutty sweatpants- That’s hot.

My cat is paralyzed?- Yes, he certainly is.

my first fucking with my pet dog- You never forget your first time.

dog fucking literature- You’d think someone would have covered this niche by now.

hot shower bed fuck- Hmm…putting a small bed inside your shower, then having sex on that bed while taking a hot shower…that’s fucking genius!

school bus driver let me suck his cock- Well that was nice of him. I hope you thanked him afterwards.

do you get pussy fart if you re a virgin?- Does it matter?

Sally’s cunt- Women will never admit it, but most of them would kill to have their respective cunts rank high in all the major search engines.

Lt mitch bucannon- It’s an honor to be listed somewhere under this search query.

* “Was this really about celebrating a milestone, or was there an ulterior motive?”

Ok, fine. This article was an easy, non time-consuming way to update the site, allowing me to spend more time with the Nintendo Wii that I finally got my hands on last week.

* "So, what’s in store for Year 2?"

Umm…more humor stories and articles.

Maybe another Cracked article or two, that is, if I ever get around to thinking of more pop culture references that can be neatly assembled into list form. We’ll see.

Yeah, that’s right, get excited.

- 3.15.2008

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