Salute Your Sweatpants


If God himself ever felt the need to wear pants, surely they would be sweatpants.

Unmatched in terms of comfort, sweatpants are the greatest pants in the world. They also represent the epitome of fashion and style. I can’t think of any other garment I would rather have covering my legs.

Sweatpants match with a variety of classy clothing such as Simpsons T-Shirts, hockey jerseys, and business attire.

With all these positive attributes, one would expect us to be living in a blissful utopian society where everyone wears sweatpants. But no, we live in a backwards society where many people continually criticize the use of sweatpants, claiming that only a slob would wear them in public. Such claims are stupid and groundless, and could easily be applied to any other kind of pants. Maybe dress pants are only for pompous yuppie douchebags. Maybe cargo pants are only for skateboarding losers. Maybe denim jeans are only for mindless sheep, who aimlessly follow the crowd, afraid to wear anything that deviates from the established social norm.

Jeans? Original? That’s an oxymoron if I ever saw one.

Another great quality of sweatpants is that they come in a large variety of colors. Each color suits a different personality and expresses it to the world, allowing you to simultaneously promote your own greatness and filter out the types of people you want to avoid. Here’s what each different color of sweatpants says about you:


“I’m a simple and practical person. I believe that sidewalks are for regular walkin’ and not fancy walkin’.”


“I’m stupid enough to buy white clothing, which will become filthy the instant it comes into contact with anything.”


“I’m a slutty girl in the mood for some serious deep-dickin’.”


“I’m a homosexual man, also in the mood for some serious deep-dickin’.”


“Green is my favorite color. I’m also a cool motherfucker who can do no wrong.”


“Big fucking nerd comin' through. But I don't give a shit.”



“I want people to notice me, even if it means soon discovering that I have nothing to offer.”

Now that you know for sure how great sweatpants are, there’s no excuse not to wear them. Remember, life is full of stress, hardships, and unpleasant experiences. The least you can do for yourself is wear a comfortable pair of pants while going through it.