How to Fix Every Bad Movie Ever Made
By Tim Lovett, GoldenLiterature.com
Just remake it into Commando.
Allow me to elaborate. This holy grail of movies was released in 1985, starring Arnold Schwarzenegger in his most action-packed, violent, and comical role ever. The movie forever set the gold standard for what an entertaining flick should be. Every single movie critic on earth who isn’t totally gay (and every gay critic who isn't totally hetero) agrees that it is the best film ever made.
Today, Commando’s appeal is stronger than ever as the action movie genre is currently dominated by lame ass heroes who rely on karate, magic, fighting the undead, or some other corny gimmick. Commando, however, does violence right by featuring good-old-fashioned shooting people, with the occasional explosion. For the few times when a scene necessitates death without the use of firearms, the producers take great pains to make the deaths extra awesome by showing a man being intentionally dropped from atop a cliff, two different types of impaling, and one of the most vicious neck snaps in human history.
To put into perspective how perfect this movie truly is, I have provided a graph of movie perfection that rates movies on a scale of 10 to infinity, with 10 being a perfect movie and infinity being an infinitely perfect movie. As you will see, not every movie is perfect.
Here is a quick breakdown of the scores:
Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (5,000,000): Perfect, but could have been a lot more perfect.
Dumb and Dumber (10,273,684): The most hilarious pure comedy movie ever made. Literally every single scene has a laugh out loud moment, and often many. All of this against the backdrop of a road trip across America. Cinematic comedy perfection.
Rocky III (20,881,460): An extremely perfect movie with great action scenes, awesome characters, and the occasional funny one-liner.
Terminator 2: Judgment Day (104,654,117): A legendarily perfect movie that has action and attitude out the asshole with a mix of classic Arnold one-liners.
The Terminator (104,654,118): Legendarily perfect for the same reasons as T2. However, with a darker and tighter storyline and the surprisingly impressive breasts of a pre-masculinized Linda Hamilton, the original edges out the blockbuster sequel.
Commando (Infinity): Unsurpassed comedy, unsurpassed action, and even a few seconds of titties shown just for the sake of showing titties. This is the most perfect movie ever made and it is unlikely to ever be topped. According to the laws of known physics, it is impossible to get bored while watching this movie. Current and aspiring filmmakers should never attempt to create "the best movie ever" unless they are willing to settle for second-best and only losers do that.
King Ralph (1): A monumentally disappointing comedy starring John Goodman where every single joke falls flat leaving the movie with no entertainment value whatsoever. However, it receives one pity point for at least attempting to make fun of British Royalty.
Gone with the Wind (0): Starts off promising by being set against the backdrop of the Civil War, but quickly deteriorates into a drama/romance bore fest.
Exit to Eden (- Infinity): If you are lucky enough not to know about this movie, take my advice and skip this paragraph. This movie features Rosie O’Donnell in a dominatrix outfit (How's that for a mental image? Good luck becoming sexually aroused this month). Whether or not this was done for comedic affect doesn't make it any more excusable. The score for this movie should now be self-explanatory.
Sadly, there are many other movies besides King Ralph, Gone with the Wind, and Exit to Eden that fall far short of perfection. The good news is that it is never too late to remake these movies. In order to create a perfect remake of any originally non-perfect movie, all it requires is taking the original characters and setting, then simply reworking the storyline into Commando. I'll use my non-perfect movies as examples:
Gone with the Wind Remake: Features vivid battle scenes which show how Colonel John Matrix single handedly wiped out the entire Confederate army. The climatic moment occurs when Scarlett O’Hara condemns Matrix for all the violence, death, and destruction he has caused. Matrix responds by saying the classic line, "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn," and shooting Scarlett between the eyes. Perfect.
King Ralph Remake: When Las Vegas lounge singer Ralph Jones (John Goodman) unexpectedly becomes King of England, the evil Bennett, who is second in line to the thrown attempts to overthrow him. Upon learning of the plot against him, Ralph turns to his American buddy John Matrix for help, with violent consequences. Perfect.
Exit to Eden Remake: John Matrix is flown into the island of Eden with the critical mission of putting Rosie O’Donnell out of her misery. After slowly groping every hot girl on the island, he finally confronts Rosie in a boiler room. Not to be silenced so easily, Rosie challenges Matrix to a knife fight. Matrix rises to the challenge and carves Rosie a new asshole, both figuratively and literally. Perfect.
Ah hell, I can’t stop there, here’s a couple more:
Bring It On Remake: When Jenny Matrix’s cheerleading squad is humiliated by a tough inner-city cheerleading squad, led by the evil Bennet, it’s up to Jenny and Rae Dawn Chong to work together to come up with a hot new routine in order to defeat Bennet and bring home the National Championship. Meanwhile, John Matrix slaughters two-hundred random foreign soldiers in a thrilling sub-plot. Perfect.
Rudy Remake: “Hey Rudy, remember when I promised to let you suit up for the final game of your senior year?”
“That’s right Coach Matrix, you did.”
There you are, Hollywood. I’ve given you the blueprint for salvaging your reputation. Now get to work and fix the rest of your massive arsenal of shit movies.