The Singles' Guide to Valentine’s Day
February 12th, 2009

Don’t have a partner to share Valentine’s Day with? Good for you! Relationships are totally lame, anyway!

The way I see it, anyone who says, “Don’t worry, you’ll find the right person someday,” is stupid. Only you are the right person for you, and as such, you are the only person you should be caring about. So this Valentine's Day, show yourself that you care by treating that special you in your life to the following things.

* A Genital Massage

Let's get the obvious out of the way. Both male and female genitalia are suckers for massages. Whenever lovingly caressed, genitals can’t help but get all excited and happy, and when they're happy, you'll be happy too. Depending on your budget, you can either spend some money and have this done for you professionally or you can do it yourself for free. Either way, this is a “can't miss” and will score you major points with yourself.

Genital massages go great with a facial.

Now some of you may be wondering why I'd promote masturbation over some sort of wild night of sex. The reason for this are that I like to keep my guides as practical as possible, whereas spending money on hookers isn't really practical. As for having sex for free, I feel obligated to write under the assumption that anyone using this guide would have difficulty hooking up for free. Otherwise, they probably wouldn't be single or reading personal websites on the internet.

* A Nice Fancy Dinner Junk Food Gorge-a-thon.

Don’t forget your tastebuds, they need attention too. This is where it really pays off to be single. If you were in a relationship, you would end up going out to some lame restaurant, where you would be forced to sit around in the quiet and do the worst thing in the world: Engage in casual conversation (boring). You would also likely end up eating disgusting healthy foods as part of a losing battle to stay in shape and impress your significant other. Thanks to your singledom, you have the exalted privilege of sitting in front of the TV and sloppily stuffing yourself with whatever delicious fatty-foods you desire.

You see that? That's called a 'positive attitude'. You should have one too.

* Spending Some Disposable Income

If you’re single, you don’t have anyone else to spend money on besides yourself and that kicks ass. Thanks to all that spare cash you possess, there’s a whole wide world of capitalism out there ready to serve your every whim, and best of all, it's selling happiness for reasonable prices, so get out there and embrace it. Your coupled friends may never admit it, but believe me, they'll be totally jealous when they see your brand new, luxurious-and-unnecessary-but-most-importantly-luxurious home entertainment theater, while all they have to look forward to is pissing away money on worthless things like their wedding or their offspring, depending on their age.

Some say that money can't love you, but my cash is always flirting with me and clearly has a crush on me. Can consensual love be far behind?

* Give Couples a Reality Check about How Uninteresting they are to the Rest of the World

You can do this any time of the year, but it's far more fun on Valentine's Day.

You see, by far, the most annoying thing about couples who are truly fond of each other is that they tend to carry around with them this belief that everyone they know should give a fuck about what they and their partner are up to. If you end up talking to one of these couples and they begin to ramble on about some trip the two of them plan on taking or some “funny” or “interesting” thing they did together the other week, call them out on their bullshit, by stating that their stories are extremely uninteresting and that no one cares about them. Sure, this could make you a few enemies, but the feelings of satisfaction and grand sense of justice will more than make up for it.

Delivering those lines are totally worth making the enemy-for-life.

* Buy a Plethora of Romantic Candy the Day After Valentine's Day

Couples tend to be extremely wasteful. Generally, they're only interested in purchasing Valentine's Day candy BEFORE the holiday, when it's criminally expensive. How stupid is that? None of them seem to have enough common sense to simply wait until after February 14th when the candy plummets in price, yet remains equally delicious, no wait, it's actually more delicious since the savings make the candy taste extra sweet.

For 50% off, I absolutely will be yours.

* As a Last Resort: Get Piss Drunk

The major problem with Valentine's Day for some singles' is that the day itself tends to elicit deep introspection about how empty they feel by not having a partner, whereas on a normal day, they wouldn't think about it at all.

If you happen to be the type of person who is going to get all depressed (in spite of this awesome guide) about how they're a social failure who can't get a date and will likely die alone, then the only course of action is to knock your ass out. Obviously, you might as well do it the fun way – by drinking yourself into unconsciousness. By the time you wake up, it should be the next day and it will feel like the whole stupid holiday never existed. Just as importantly, you should also feel dehydrated and slightly nauseous from all the binge drinking, which according to Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, will take your mind off of your loneliness.

Physical needs take priority over emotional needs, so if you're all fucked up physically, you won't be concerned about how lonely you are.

Once you recover from the hangover, you can go right back to getting lost in your normal daily routine where you don't reflect on how soul-crushingly lonely you are. You won't have to worry about that again until you have no one to spend Easter with (at which point you honor Jesus by getting wasted on wine).

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Couples' Version

- 2.12.2009

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