University Career Developmental Services: Your Worst Resource for Career Advice
May 15th, 2007

A few months ago, I was sitting in my school’s advising office waiting for my pointless mandatory meeting with my academic advisor to begin. To help take my mind off how awesome it would be if the building caught fire, I decided to read over some of the pamphlets they provided. The pamphlets were supposed to provide career advice for each major, but what I found instead were hard copies of shit pulled out of an ass. Rather than containing insightful tips and ideas for making career plans, they basically had the equivalent of a manual about the alphabet. See for yourself. Below I have reproduced one of the sheets from their office:

Temple Career Developmental Services

Social Sciences

What can you do with this major?

Types of Industries/Occupational Areas

Social Welfare Administrator
Social Worker
Lawyer
Personnel Manager
Psychologist
Teacher’s Assistant
Principal
Judge
Facility Manager
Sales Manager
Athletic Coach
Social Services Supervisor
Family Therapist
Educator
Human Resources
Loan Application Clerk
School Counselor
Insurance Sales Agent
Public Relations Specialist
Public Services Clerk
Benefits Analyst
Proposal Writer
Claim Representative
Account Executive

Skills/Competencies

Research skills
Experience working in teams
Oral Communication skills
Problem solving skills
Testing skills
Numerical computation
Ability to analyze and interpret
Logical thinking
Systemizing skills
Organizational skills
Critical Thinking
Advanced quantitative skills
Computer literacy
Efficiency

Additional Resources

http://www.developers.net
http://www.temple.edu/CLA
http://www.apa.org
http://www.actfl.org
http://www.purdue.edu/jobs/
http://www.ams.org
http://www.nctm.org
http://www.state.gov/m/dghr/hr/
http://www.siam.org
http://www.bls.gov/oco
http://www.beanactuary.com
http://www.nasajobs.nasa.gov/
http://www.uci.edu/~cie/iop/work.html

 

 

The sheet does have a disclaimer stating that “this is only meant to stimulate your thinking” and is “by no means an exhaustive list you should limit yourself to”. Well no shit, but Athletic Coach?! Way to stimulate the student’s thinking jerkoffs. Also, it claims that people shouldn’t limit themselves to these options. Wow, in that case, would it be safe for me to foray into an exciting career as an Office Clerk? Although, it is not really a college’s responsibility to help their students find employment, given that the typical student pays thousands of dollars per year in tuition, they could at least throw them a fucking bone. The above pamphlet is not only an insult to my intelligence, but an insult to the entire concept of intelligence.

The section about skills and competencies was even more absurd as they only seemed to list vaguely defined skills that don’t even require a college education. Below I have analyzed some of the listed items:

Oral Communication skills- Call me crazy, but isn’t this just a fancy phrase for ‘talking’? Except for the chronically shy, who the fuck doesn’t have this “skill”? The only way oral communication can be a skill is if it involves manipulating people and/or dicking them around, something which Temple’s staff regularly exposes the average student to, so I guess this technically is taught at Temple.

Numerical Computation- Yes, the world definitely needs more people who can use a calculator.

Logical Thinking- This would explain why we see very few middle-aged women graduates.

Organizational Skills- You know, like making your bed, remembering where your car keys are, and keeping your pornography stored properly.

Efficiency- In case you have acquired too much student debt, it will become very important to make due with a studio apartment and two meals or less per day.

Finally, there are some additional “resources” such as random links to a math society and Purdue University’s website. Awesome.

What bothered me the most was the realization that people were actually paid money to create these useless pamphlets. Therefore, being an opportunist, I made my own career developmental pamphlet in hopes that some university might hire me to do the same.

Golden Literature Career Developmental Services

Social Sciences

What can you do with this major?

Types of Industries/Occupational Areas

Astronaut
Buffalo Herder
Busboy
Cashier Technician
Cowboy
Delivery Person
Doorman
Driver
Fraudulent “Con” Artist
Game Show Host
Guy that does Stuff
Janitorial Specialist
Laborer
Maid
Masseuse
Movie Extra
Mystery Shopper
Night Watchman
Novelist
Painter
Pornographic Media Actor
Sanitation Worker
Scorekeeper
Seat Filler
Secretary
Senator
Shoe Salesman
Umpire
Window Washer
Wrestling Promoter

Skills/Competencies

Arrogance
Breathing
Counting to 20
Dressing Yourself
Flip Cup Skills
Oral Communication Skills
Oral Servicing Skills
Questioning Life
Selling things on Ebay
Staying Awake
Thinking
Toilet Trained

Additional Resources

http://www.bls.gov/oco/
http://GoldenLiterature.com
http://www.google.com
http://www.mcstate.com
WorldBeerPongFederation.com
http://www.monster.com

 

 

Admit it, this kicks the shit out of Temple's pamphlet.

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-5.17.2007

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