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Any career counselor worth their salt will tell you that the more life experience you have in a particular field, the more qualified you are for a job within that field. But what they never seem to tell you is that once you pass the age of, say, 85, life experience generally begins to sort of work against you, what with all the body decay and all. When Thurmond ran for re-election in 1996, he was 93-fucking-years-old! According to Wikipedia, which is always correct, the majority of the voters felt that it was time for Thurmond to retire, but re-elected him anyway. That’s a really great setup for a joke about how people from The South are slow and backwards, but since I like to try to grow my readership once in a while and would value southern readers, I’ll keep my big, stupid Philadelphia-based mouth shut. Oh, and also, Thurmond had a long history of supporting racist policies and legislation. Just throwing that out there. I mean, you'd think that wouldn't get you elected in the mid-90s, but that's the stupid-retarded..., I mean, Awesome-South for you. The Potential Upside: His slow and feeble status helped congress do what it does best – be inefficient. In addition, even in his old age, they say he could still filibuster like a motherfucker. 6.) James C. Horvath runs for lots of stuff in Michigan (1936-1979)
You’ve probably never heard of James C. Horvath, but that’s not important. What is important is that he holds the American record for political futility. Over a 43 year period, Mr. Horvath appeared in 22 different elections in the Great State of Michigan, and lost every single one of them, effectively making him the Arizona Cardinals of politics. Sadly, after extensive internet research, this dubious factoid is the only thing known about this man’s life, and thus his losing history is the only thing he will ever be remembered by. It’s a classic case of “sucks to be him”. The Potential Upside Whoever this guy was, he obviously had great persistence to keep running for office for so long. I can’t help but wonder how this effort might have paid dividends had he been able to get elected at least once. On the lighter side, his candidacies must have provided a great deal of laughter for his political opponents over the years. After all, who among us has never enjoyed a good laugh at the expense of a perennial loser? Take the Arizona Cardinals for example. Ha ha, they suck. 5.) Pornstar Mary Carey runs for Governor of California (2003 Recall Election)
With the sex scandals surrounding the presidencies of Bill Clinton and John F. Kennedy, among others, it cannot be denied that whores have often played a large role in politics. However, I can’t help but feel that it’s a bit of a stretch to actually elect one. I mean, if Clinton was nearly thrown out of office just for receiving a blowjob, how can I expect The People to elect someone who gives them out on a regular basis? Amazingly, she received over 11,000 votes, which was not nearly enough to get elected, but was more than enough to declare an ass-kicking over Gallagher (5,123 votes). The Potential Upside: According to science, it is generally far more pleasant to stare at a young woman with large breasts, than at an aging man in a business suit. Governor Carey would have been great eye candy at any debate or convention she attended. With the power of her cleavage, perhaps more of California’s young men would have finally paid some attention to the important issues that affect their lives. Well, that or masturbate. 4.) A Ficus Tree runs for New Jersey Representative (2000 Election)
Fed up with incumbent representative Rodney Frelinghuysen, professional fat-annoying-guy Michael Moore gave his blessing to an ordinary Ficus tree to run against the politician. If you hadn’t already lost all faith in the American voting public, know this – people did in fact vote for the tree. Even worse, the gimmick caught on and was repeated across the country. I mean, ok, we get it. You don’t like the current politicians in office, but is this really the best way to handle things? How is something like this even funny after the first time? By all means, voting public, don’t bother to do anything crazy like find a real person to run against the politician you dislike or organize a grassroots campaign to help convince the incumbent politician to address issues that are important to you. Just go ahead and keep voting for trees, that’ll fix everything. The Potential Upside In all fairness, an inanimate tree would be unable to say anything stupid or fuck anything up, giving him a leg-up on many politicians. Also, if the tree could have somehow become a republican, it would have supported destroying the environment, yet all along, been helping it through the process of photosynthesis, which would have been funny in a really nerdy, I-have-no-life-and-read-articles-on-the-internet, sort of way. 3.) Everyone who runs for School/Class President (Every Year)
Through school elections, people learn from an early age that democratic elections are boring popularity contests that rarely directly benefit them and are generally not worth their attention. Even though these elections are meaningless by just about any standard, every year, students are forced to sit in an auditorium and waste upwards of an hour of their precious childhoods listening to half-assed campaign speeches and I for one want that time back. Another way to look at it is to claim that school elections served the purpose of promoting the importance of voting, and yet, if I were to vote to play hooky on that assembly, I got labeled as the bad guy and was punished with a detention. Where’s the democracy in that? The entire event made me cringe every year. How many times did I have to roll my eyes when some lying asshole pledged to see to it that I would receive less homework? How annoying was it to listen to a male candidate try to win my vote when my teenage, hormone-influenced brain had long-since decided to vote for the chick with the nice rack and there wasn’t a damn thing he could say to convince me to do otherwise? I would rather have just had someone declare themselves “School Fascist-Dictator”, and been done with it. Then again, maybe the principal already had dibs on that title. The Potential Upside More often than not, someone running for class president identifies them as the type of goody-two-shoes, social-climbing, resume-padding, suck-ups that you probably want nothing to do with anyway. Therefore, you’ll know to avoid them in the future. In addition, when it’s all said and done, you still get the satisfaction of laughing at all the losing candidates whose dreams have been crushed and self-esteem ruined. You would feel bad for them, but they should have known better than to waste both your time and theirs with their bullshit campaign. Ha ha, losers. 2.) Hulk Hogan runs for President of the United States (2000 Election)
Technically, the Hulkster was never a real candidate, as he never actually made a serious effort at running for office, but since so many media outlets took him seriously at the time, I had to include him in my list. Ever since the beginning of Hulkamania in 1984, Hogan had largely devoted himself to being the center of attention in the wrestling world. However, in 1998, Hogan had been hit by a double whammy of decreased significance: First, the election of rival Jesse Ventura as Governor of Minnesota and then the widespread popularity of then-WCW and WWF Champions Goldberg and Stone Cold Steve Austin. So how’s a Hulkster to remain more important than all of them? Pretend to run for President of course! Unfortunately, Hogan didn’t put any effort into his publicity stunt campaign. True story, as documented in Wrestlecrap’s The Death of WCW, when Hogan appeared on The Tonight Show to discuss his candidacy, host Jay Leno asked him the basic question of whether he was going to run as a Democrat or a Republican. The Hulkster’s Response? “Right now, I’m right in the middle.” Which loosely translates to, “I have no idea what the hell I’m talking about because I’m a media whore a decade past his prime who refuses to step out of the spotlight to give younger talent a chance to thrive, but I digress, brother.” In any event, it appeared that finally, there was a candidate the undecided voters could identify with! Also worth mentioning is that while Hogan was pulling off this stunt, he was STILL A BAD GUY in the wrestling storylines! I can’t help but imagine the mudslinging campaigns that might have ensued. It may have sounded something like this: “Hollywood Hogan is a man who betrayed WCW and millions of little Hulkamaniacs for a couple of “Outsiders”. Given his track record, how do we know he won’t betray America for a bunch of outsider nations as well? Vote Al Gore – a man who opposes tax cuts for the rich and the nWo agenda.” Thankfully, his phony campaign fizzled out shortly after the Leno interview. The Potential Upside: If Hulk Hogan’s presidency had been anything like his wrestling career, he would have been the greatest chief executive of all-time. Imagine, if you will, a larger-than-life president who could simultaneously hulk up the economy, give the big boot to terrorism, put the leg drop on crime, no-sell to the pressure tactics of Washington lobbyists, and negotiate a contract with a creative control clause to ensure that America always had the final say over the outcome of its wars. Now that I think about it, he would have gotten my vote. 1.) George W. Bush runs for President of the United States ('00, '04 Elections)
The first time you hear this guy give a speech, it becomes obvious that he’s a complete moron, impossibly corrupt, and totally unqualified to hold a public office. I know it’s practically cliché to bash Bush, but seriously, the idea of this man having any control over the lives of average citizens is the very definition of ridiculous. It was one thing to watch him become Governor of Texas. At least then we still had 49 other states untainted by him. But U.S. President? Well, it hasn’t exactly been the greatest eight years for The White House. Whether or not his multiple election victories showcase the collective stupidity of American voters, the frightening power of name recognition, or the gross ineptitude of the Democratic Party, I’ll let the readers decide. Either way, his presidency is an embarrassment to our nation. The Potential Upside: George Bush was always looking out for the super-wealthy businessman, because if he didn’t, who else would? Also, if you happened to be the type of parent who’s ever thought to themselves, “Gee, I’m sure sick of my 18-25 year-old child who is currently enlisted in the military. I wish someone could come up with a silly excuse for him to go off to war and get killed,” then Bush is your ideal candidate (Yes, I’m really reaching here). But hey, a few months ago, he gave me a check for $600. That was kinda cool. It helped me stimulate America's economy by buying American-made products, such as...nothing. -10.04.2008 |
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