Just because I Watch Daytime Television doesn't Mean I'm a Loser
December 15th, 2008

At least not necessarily.

You see, I like to view myself as a simple man with simple tastes. For that reason, I consider it one of life's great joys to spend a weekday morning sitting in one's underwear with a bowl of cereal while watching out-of-control teens act like “they all that” on Maury. For what it's worth, Maury, Jerry Springer, and all those judge shows go great with some Apple Jacks and orange juice. If you can think of a more productive thing to do at 10 a.m. on a Tuesday morning, I'd be more than happy to ignore you.

But alas, all is not well with my “Who is this baby's father?” fun fest. You see, such fantastic programming eventually needs to go to a commercial break. This is where things quickly go sour.

The whole situation is very unfortunate, but the advertisers affiliated with my talk shows have made a rather disrespectful stereotype about me, their audience and potential customer. In short, they think I suck. AT LIFE!

Maybe I'm overreacting, but I can't seem to get through one set of commercials during these programs without seeing an advertisement telling me to do silly things like “go back to school with online courses” or “get job training for a better career.” What are they trying to say? That I'm stupid and uneducated? What would even make them think that only idiots watch Maury? Even if their assumptions were true, why must they give me this big guilt trip about it? Why can't I just watch my trailer trash television in peace?

Get the hell off my TV, University of Phoenix. If I want to learn something online, I'll google it.

Now, I know for a fact that I'm no loser. I have hard statistics to prove that I'm at least average in life. I may not be a star, but I do not suck. Honestly, this graph has my back:

These commercials have greatly offended me. If there's one thing that I hate, it's people who try to shove knowledge and education down my throat. It makes me want to go through life learning as little as possible, just out of spite.

Well I will stand for it no longer! If I am to continue supporting these major television networks with my viewership, then I hereby demand that they only take on sponsors that better target my interests and make me feel important and/or good about myself.

For example, why not have more Apple Jacks commercials? Specifically, bring back those commercials from the early 1990s where a group of kids would be eating Apple Jacks and then some jerk would walk in and condescendingly say, “Why do eat Apple Jacks? They don't TASTE like apples,” and then the kids would smugly reply, “WE JUST DO!” and “WE EAT WHAT WE LIKE!!!” while thinking “You douchebag.” Ah, to be a kid living in the 90s who eats Apple Jacks again. Those were the days.

Fuck education and job training commercials. Long live Maury Povich and Apple Jacks.

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- 12.15.2008

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