Just
because I Watch Daytime Television doesn't Mean I'm a Loser
December 15th, 2008
At least not necessarily.
You see, I like to view myself as a
simple man with simple tastes. For that reason, I consider
it one of life's great joys to spend a weekday morning sitting
in one's underwear with a bowl of cereal while watching out-of-control
teens act like “they all that” on Maury.
For what it's worth, Maury, Jerry Springer,
and all those judge shows go great with some Apple Jacks and
orange juice. If you can think of a more productive thing
to do at 10 a.m. on a Tuesday morning, I'd be more than happy
to ignore you.
But alas, all is not well with my “Who
is this baby's father?” fun fest. You see, such fantastic
programming eventually needs to go to a commercial break.
This is where things quickly go sour.
The whole situation is very unfortunate,
but the advertisers affiliated with my talk shows have made
a rather disrespectful stereotype about me, their audience
and potential customer. In short, they think I suck. AT LIFE!
Maybe I'm overreacting, but I can't
seem to get through one set of commercials during these programs
without seeing an advertisement telling me to do silly things
like “go back to school with online courses” or
“get job training for a better career.” What are
they trying to say? That I'm stupid and uneducated? What would
even make them think that only idiots watch Maury?
Even if their assumptions were true, why must they give me
this big guilt trip about it? Why can't I just watch my trailer
trash television in peace?
|
Get
the hell off my TV, University of Phoenix. If I want
to learn something online, I'll google it. |
Now, I know for a fact that I'm no loser.
I have hard statistics to prove that I'm at least average
in life. I may not be a star, but I do not suck. Honestly,
this graph
has my back:
These commercials have greatly offended
me. If there's one thing that I hate, it's people who try
to shove knowledge and education down my throat. It makes
me want to go through life learning as little as possible,
just out of spite.
Well I will stand for it no longer!
If I am to continue supporting these major television networks
with my viewership, then I hereby demand that they only take
on sponsors that better target my interests and make me feel
important and/or good about myself.
For example, why not have more Apple
Jacks commercials? Specifically, bring back those commercials
from the early 1990s where a group of kids would be eating
Apple Jacks and then some jerk would walk in and condescendingly
say, “Why do eat Apple Jacks? They don't TASTE like
apples,” and then the kids would smugly reply, “WE
JUST DO!” and “WE EAT WHAT WE LIKE!!!” while
thinking “You douchebag.” Ah, to be a kid living
in the 90s who eats Apple Jacks again. Those were the days.
Fuck education and job training commercials.
Long live Maury Povich and Apple Jacks.
Printer
Friendly Version
Apple
Jacks Version
- 12.15.2008
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