So the other day, my little cousin asked me to go into this surf shop with him. Ten wasted minutes of my life later, I stormed out in disgust. When my cousin caught up with me later on, I told him to never speak to me again and then superkicked him in the face. I kicked him so hard that he lost four teeth, which was awesome because I only expected to knock out two at the most.

Surf shops are shitty all-around. The instant you walk inside one, your ears are bombarded with the trendiest music currently available. If it were the latest metal, it might be acceptable, but most of the music they play can best be described as pussy rock. It's the kind of music that makes you want to munch on a bag of cyanide pills.

Look at these hats. Hats are supposed to exist for only two reasons. Either to make you look like a badass (e.g. pirate's hat) or to be a fashionable clothing accessory in contemporary society (e.g. pirate's hat). These hats do neither. There are thousands of real men in their 30s and 40s who are losing their beloved hair and these surfer assholes are covering their heads with these monstrosities. Someone should make a law, if you get caught wearing or even purchasing a hat like this, you get scalped. It wouldn't be anything fancy, just a quick axe through the scalp to get the point across.

Here we have flip-flops and sandals, or as I like to call them, the Richard Simmons of footwear. Enough Said.

The T-shirts are the worst. With random patterns all over the place and/or allegedly clever slogans, you would be hard-pressed to find articles of clothing with more pre-packaged attitude. Made in third-world sweatshops with love, they can be yours for only $20-$50 apiece.

Still don't believe me when I say surf shops suck? Well guess what, they don't even sell beef jerky, so there. I'm right, you're wrong, get used to it.

Damn, I hate surfers. They think they’re such hot shit riding pussy little waves when they know damn well they’ll never be as awesome as pirates. I wish pirates and surfers could meet up someday. Then the pirates would slaughter the surfers just for fun. That would rock tits.

Here is an artist's depiction of a surfer meeting a pirate:

Pirates rule.

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© 2007 by Tim Lovett